Well here we are: The Bachelor finale!!! Now the After the Final Rose special is showing right after the finale but I'm just going to talk about this episode in this post and will tackle the ATFR special later.
So now just who will Jakey-poo pick? You know, just watching the intro I can tell that Jake took Bachelor 101 before starting his run on the show. He knows exactly what to say including frequent use of the the key word "journey", he's mastered tortured looks off into the distance and sincerely saying he wants his parents' opinion when we all know he's going to totally ignore whatever they say and follow his heart...and by heart, I mean the one downstairs if you catch my drift.
He starts out trying to get his parents excited about meeting Vienna by telling them how much all the other girls hated her. Smooth move X-Lax. But before that blows up in his face, Tenley is first up to meet the folks. She tells us that she's going to be herself and that's all she can be. Which is great for her if they're looking for a Disney princess as a daughter-in-law.
Hey, you remember Jillian's problem with Jake? She accused him of being too perfect which made sense and now guess who Jake is accusing of being maybe "too good to be true". Bingo. Poor Tenley.
Anyway, Jake's mom asks Tenley about fighting with her sister because she wants to make sure that her daughters-in-law get along. Um...okay. I guess that's important when it comes to Jake's decision. Tenley answers her question by telling her about her cheating husband. Um...okay. I guess that's important when it comes to Jake's decision.
Listen, I'll spare you. They all get along and little animated birds sit on Tenley's shoulder as she perkily wins over the whole family. They all pee themselves (and cry) over Tenley and tell Jake to pick her. Did you really think anything else would happen? Again, Tenley is perfect for Jake. Which is exactly why he'll never pick her.
Jake's mom tells him that Tenley needs to see his goofy side which apparently entails them jumping into the pool. My, how spontaneous we are! Slow down you crazy nuts! If you want my opinion, he's trying his darndest to make Tenley as exciting as Vienna and that just ain't going to happen. His whole family says how great and perfect they are as a couple. Tenley's so perfect, Jake's so perfect, they're so perfect together and all I can hear in my head is the crowd chanting, "Kiss of death! Kiss of death! Kiss of death!"
Moving right along, Vienna's turn to meet the newest people to hate her. She makes the best first impression possible by promptly telling his family how much the other girls hated her. Smooth move X-Lax, maybe you and Jake really are meant to be together. One of Jake's sisters-in-law tells us that she doesn't think Vienna was classy in the way she talked about the other girls. The other sister-in-law says how she thinks Vienna is confrontational. Listen, you know how this works: it's totally awkward and the family is not happy.
Jake's mom is more worried about her getting along with the sisters-in-law (What is up with that? Give it a rest already!) Mom's seeing red flags all over the place and basically tells Jake to "make the best decision he can", which in Mom Language means "Do not pick Vienna or I will kill you". Jake's all defensive and stuff. He tells us that it's pretty much a deal breaker if the woman he brings into the family doesn't get along. Whatever, I call B.S. Not falling for it ABC but nice try. And this may be picky of me but it's "daughters-in-law" not "daughter-in-laws". Everyone keeps saying "daughter-in-laws"!
In the end, the family gets all guilty for judging her and starts crying. Oh brother. Vienna wins them over and we're ready to get on to the rose ceremony right? Right?!
Crap, the last dates.
Vienna's up first and Jake tells us that they're going to an active volcano. Lucky for us he's not making an innuendo. Then he goes and says that he and Vienna can't keep their hands off each other. Gross! Fade to black! Fade to black! Think I'm kidding? They spend some further time alone and Vienna is all scared of losing Jake. No time for that now, it's time to be bored with Tenley's date with Jake. I fast forwarded through most of this part. I can tell you this much: Jake is SO not into her. Throughout this whole season, the one thing Jake sucked at was hiding his true feelings. And now with Tenley, he's feeling squat and boy does it show. Luckily he's a quick enough thinker to tell Tenley he's "tired".
Jake then tells her that the "emotional" chemistry is there but he's worried that there's not enough "physical" chemistry to match it. He adds that by "physical" he does not mean "sexual". Tenley then asks, "Uh...what is physical chemistry if you don't mean sexual?" Exactly, good for you Tenley! I mean really Jake, you are such a dud. Just tell her she doesn't rock your casbah, go get Vienna and let's get on with this already!
But first they make us watch flashbacks and them all looking tortured and pensive. Jake looks at rings. Meh. I keep hoping Reid will show up and reveal his true feelings for Jillian. Wait...I think I just lapsed into The Bachelorette.
Anyhoo, rose ceremony: long story short: Told you so!
Short story long: Chris Harrison escorts the girls on the mile long hike they have to take to get to where Jake is waiting for them. Jake stumbles and stutters as he tells Tenley that he loves her and she's perfect but "something doesn't feel right" and he doesn't know why and then they both cry all over each other. Poor Tenley. She deserves Prince Eric not this stooge of a dork.
So yeah, he picks Vienna. There you have it! What are your thoughts on Jake's choice?
I'll be back at some point this week with my ATFR special recap, see you then!
EDIT: I'm back!
So yeah, I don't need a whole post for the ATFR special. Tenley cried, Jake and Vienna are happy, they made me watch them dance while Jeffrey Osborne came on the show to sing "On the Wings of Love" and they announced Ali as the next Bachelorette. Shoot me. How in the world they think Ali will be entertaining to watch as The Bachelorette is beyond me. I didn't think they could pick anyone more boring than Jake. SPEAKING OF WHICH, what the heck is up with putting him on Dancing with the Stars?! Tenley is an actual dancer, why not put her on? Bah!
Edit: Back again! Had to come and show you this spoof that was on Jimmy Kimmel last night, enjoy!
Sorry, me again! I had to include Kimmel's interview with Ali. Kudos to him for calling her on her B.S.
I still hate her. I also hate how she left "for work" and now she's trying to backtrack saying that she left because she was "scared". Whatever, that still won't make me like you as the Bachelorette you Mean Girl. Also, if she says one more time how if Jake really loved her he would have come after her and the show wouldn't have mattered, I'm going to kick her. The show is about you sticking around until he kicks you off not you leaving and expecting him to chase you when he's got a whole group of girls making out with him every time he turns around you idiot.
Okay, I think I'm officially done with this recap. Maybe...
Hello everyone and welcome to The Bachelor: The Women Tell All special recap! Just in case you don't know, every season of The Bachelor/Bachelorette has a reunion special the week before the finale. They used to bring everyone back except for the Final Two but then they wised up and realized that we could care less about the rejects that were kicked out on their butts in the first episode so now they just bring back the (theoretically) most interesting folks out of the bunch along with our Bachelor or Bachelorette.
Now, I have to say for my part that most of the time, these Tell All things turn out to be a bunch of Tell Nothing and they are pretty boring. But recently they've added bloopers and I love a good fall or boom mike hitting someone in the head so I keep watching. Plus, we got this from Chris Harrison's Twitter earlier today: Oh they do, do they? Well, we'll just see...But first, I'm sure they're going to bore me with an entire season recap complete with a little recap of when Jake was on Jillian's season right? I've seen all the episodes ABC! If someone needs to see this recap, they really should just not be watching. Anyway, let's start the episode...
Okay, so I'm 1 minute into the episode where they've shown the previews for what I am about to watch (huh?) and I can already tell you 5 things:
1. Rozlyn did not brush her hair. 2. Jake got dressed in the dark. 3. These girls are "Mean" like those popular snotty girls you knew in high school, they are spray tan abusers and all cry too friggin' much. 4. Chris called Rozlyn's alleged inappropriate relationship the "most shocking television scandal of 2010". Huh? He knows we're just now getting through February of 2010, right? Dude, we have like 10 more months of 2010 to go... 5. Right now the thing I'm most excited about is showing you what Jake is wearing.
Also, I have to admit right now that I'm probably going to fast forward through most of this episode. I hate confrontation y'all and can't stand to see people fight. Or I may just get really bored, it's too early to tell...
Anyway, here comes the recaps...ugh. I'll spare you. Since we've already seen it all, I've blogged about it all...Bah. Luckily after a while it started to sound like those teachers on Charlie Brown and I just started making up my own dialogue... They talk about jumping off the bridge with Vienna, Elizabeth the Nanny's art of the tease, fortune cookie hilarity (not) with Tenley and Ali leaving. Chris asks Jake what it's going to be like when he see Ali at the Women Tell All. Wha? My question is why the heck they just don't show us instead asking such a stupid question. Show us already!!! Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Back from commercial and we're treated to an update on some past Bachelor/Bachelorette cast members making out. Actually they're reunions but they spend a large amount of time making us watch these cast offs give mono to each other. Yerk. There's a couple of girls from Lorenzo's season which was the the biggest BORE in Bachelor history. Then they show Gwen from Aaron's season (season 2) and she is still single. Awwww, I miss Gwen! I want her to be the next Bachelorette! I love her! Seriously though, these past contestants are total horn dogs. Where are their mothers?! Ugh this is so gross. It's like watching an episode of Flavor of Love except less hair pulling and pooping on the stairs. Holy crow, let's move along to something else PLEASE! Don't believe me? I'm pretty sure this isn't just a rash but oh how I wish it were: Have I told you yet that I'm only 20 minutes into the episode? Help!
Oh geez, now we gotta watch these people "giving back"? Didn't they already do that in the hot tub? Now we have to watch them doing charity work, great. I'm all for serving your community but come ON! At least they're doing something worthwhile in between swapping partners...This is seriously mind numbing.
Looks like we're moving on to this season's dramatic broo-ha-ha. FINALLY! Quite a few of the girls are there and the first question from Chris goes to Jessie. You know, the girl who got to talk to Jake all of 5 minutes? Yeah and her answer is just as exciting as you would imagine. Oh gross, now we have to watch Jake in the shower again. Really? Then they jump right into flashbacks of Rozlyn bashing, Michelle craziness, Vienna hating and Gia saying that "Tenley sh*ts rainbows" which is freakin' hilarious and the best thing said all season long. That needs to be on a t-shirt.
Chris asks everyone why they hated Vienna so much. Ella says that she's 23 and immature. Gia defends her and is wearing a sparkly dress so I am declaring it right now: Gia is awesome and I adore her. Chris then gets on Elizabeth (metaphorically speaking) about her teasing Jake. She agreed that she is stupid. Chris then brings up the "10,000 pound elephant in the room": Rozlyn. All the girls immediately say that they witnessed all sorts of "inappropriate" things between Roz and the producer. They were "so uncomfortable" with it all and Jessie says that she saw them on the stairs kissing. Wow, Jessie's getting more screen time tonight than she ever has like...ever. Anyway, lots of "Oh I saw something!" going on. Whatever.
Gia's first up in the "hotseat" and I fast forwarded through her flashback "journey". Seen it, blogged it hello! Still sad though, I want to give my BFF sparkly Gia a hug. Awww. ... Okay, let's move on!
Michelle's next up in the hotseat and this poor thing. Listen, I know she's all kinds of girl-type crazy but at least she didn't join in with Mean Girl Ali's toast to being mean to Vienna on the group date. That made me respect her a lot despite well...you know. She does her best to hold up under the pressure of Chris' questions and the girls hatin'. And of course Ali has to butt in like a big ole buttinski with her two worthless cents. Then Valisha says something and I'm all like, "Who are you anyway? And again, why does your occupation say homemaker"?
Oh crap, now it's Ali's turn. I'm not sure I'm able to properly express how much I dislike this girl. And the fact that we're probably going to be stuck with her as the next Bachelorette just makes it worse. Ugh. She's all crying and stuff about leaving early. Whatever. I bet you'll quit your all important job in a hot minute if they offer you The Bachelorette, stupid Mean Girl. Chris points out that she chose her job over Jake and she gives some crap about how she buries herself in work when she's "scared" and didn't want to get her heart broken. THEN DON'T GO ON TV TO FIND LOVE YOU BOOB. I am so over her. Then she says some other crap about how "our life is measured by the risks we take". *dry heave* God, please don't let them pick her as the next Bachelorette!
Then she starts to defend Vienna and apologizes for being mean to her. She says that Vienna is getting trashed in the tabloids and no one deserves that. Way to back track sweetie. We get it, you want to be nice now so they'll give you a show, whatever. And then she says that she'll pick love over a job next time. *insert eye roll here* Gimme a W! Gimme a H! Gimme an A! Oh forget it, I'm trying to spell out "whatever" but that's going to take too long...
So now we're on to Rozlyn and you know they are going to blast her to kingdom come. They show some roadie guiding Rozlyn to the stage like she's some sort of criminal. For Pete's sake, it would have been more subtle to carry her onstage strapped to a dolly like in Silence of the Lambs. They go through the time line of all the inappropriateness and stuff. She denies that anything physical ever happened. She says that the show wouldn't let her call her son. It gets bad, they start to argue, Chris says something about unicorns and magicians and the audience laughs and claps like hyenas.
Christina says Rozlyn was touching the producer's thigh, Jessie tells her about seeing them make out on the stairs and Rozlyn swears on her child's life that never happened. Blahblahblahblahblah Chris finally interrupts and asks whether or not Rozlyn slept in her room or on the couch. Listen, it's just a bunch of girl fight crap. Chris is being extremely douchy and snarky. I get it but whatever. Rozlyn is still denying that anything physical ever happened and gets douchy and snarky right back at Chris. My final thought: she was stupid for going back on the show. No way were they ever going to give her a fair chance to explain herself.
Wait, isn't this show suppose to be about finding love? Let's move on already!
Oh right, they haven't even brought Jake out yet...dear Lord this is dragging...Oh wait, y'all gotta see what this goob is wearing! I could do a whole post on Jake's fashion sense (or major lack thereof). It takes him about 5 seconds before he uses the word "journey" and then he says that while he was letting Gia go his "heart was crying". *vomit* You are such a girl. He recounts Ali's job B.S. and they try to make it look like they're star-crossed lovers or something. Pu-lease.
They then talk about the 2 on 1 date where he sent Ella and Kathryn home. Kathryn says that she doesn't think that Jake gave her a fair chance and she all opened up to him and stuff and I'm thinking, "What? He like talked to you about as much as he talked to Jessie. I would have went home by choice at that point you weirdo." Chris takes yet another shot at Michelle and we FINALLY get to the good stuff: bloopers.
Is it bad that I laugh when people get hurt? I mean, I don't laugh if they're really hurt, but come on, it's funny. I laugh when I get hurt so I figure it all balances out. Anyway, the bloopers were okay.
They move on and Chris asks if Jake is happy with his decision, then we get a flashback of the two remaining girls and...fade to black.
So there it is and now we're barrelling towards the finale next week. My final thought on what will happen: Tenley is the girl Jake should pick, Vienna is the girl he will pick. Done and done.
By the way, here's some upcoming Bachelor goodness:
-There's a new series starting at some point called "Bachelor Pad". Apparently it's going to be a Big Brother type reality show with past contestants.
-Jason and Molly are getting married and it will be televised on March 8th at 8:00 EST.
-There's a Bachelor 20/20 special on March 15th at 8:00
And yes, I will be blogging it all! :D
So what are your thoughts on tonight's Women Tell All? What will happen next week on the finale?
Here come the overnight dates! Remember when the magic booty card from Chris telling the couple they could get it on in the Fantasy Suite was a surprise? Yeah, not so much anymore. Well no matter, after tonight we will be down to the final two girls and then next week is the Women Tell All reunion special.
But that's not tonight so let's see what happens. Last week we got a preview of Ali calling Jake in St. Lucia to supposedly come crawling back but I'm thinking it will come to nothing. I've been burned by ABC's promos before (remember the one of Jake kicking a chair over? That's never even been shown so thanks a lot ABC.)
Anyhoo, let's get started.
First we get a retrospecticus on the remaining three women and we get to relive all of the moments that were boring the first time around so you can imagine...I'll spare you and yes, you're welcome. I'm sure they're going to replay part of Tenley's dance from last week and no way am I watching that again so I'll be right back, I'm going to get a drink...
Okay, I'm back. Now he's talking about Ali so I'm guessing we're getting the phone call out of the way early. Let's see...she's in a hotel bed...robe on...(Wait, who sleeps in a robe?)...telling us she's heart broken and misses Jake...sitting up in bed and then...wait, what? No way. I am NOT seeing what I think I'm seeing... For the love of Pete ABC, 8x10 glossies of Jake on the nightstand...really? All right dearest readers, on the count of three we're all going to do the exaggerated eye roll...ready? 1...2...3!
Oh BRO-ther. *shudder* So gross on so many levels...
She gives us some bull about how the only reason she picked work was that she was scared and now that she's back home she can't sleep and her work is suffering (well they must be thrilled to have you back then, eh?) Oh wait they went to commercial and came back with Gia so I guess our Staged Phone Call of Doom will have to wait.
So Jake and Gia meet up and Jake asks her if she likes boats...uh Jake, she took you on a boat during her home town date. That was just last week remember? You took pictures of each other in front of the Statue of Liberty? No? Nothing? Bonehead. They drink out of coconuts like they do on Survivor and go buy cheap tourist crap. (Not that I'm putting cheap tourist crap down, it's my favorite) and they dance with street performers. Jake buys her a necklace which is sure to keep her warm when he kicks her off the island at the end of the show (my guess).
Jake tells us he's ready to take a leap of faith right before they both jump off a pier into the ocean. *barf* We're forced to watch them make out in the water for a couple of minutes. They finally dry off and have a night time picnic. Gia keeps saying how she's falling for Jake and she's so scared. Jake tells us how he wants to take care of Gia tonight. I so hope he means the romantic way and not the mobster way. Lots of blahblahblah whatever, I just want to know where Gia bought that sparkly head band. *drool* I wonder if she'll be so distraught when Jake dumps her that she'll never want to wear it again and will send it to me? They talk about opening up without even a hint of irony and yadayadayada. This is boring. Get to the fantasy suite already! They get into a big hammock that looks to be hanging from a cliff or something and the card from Chris shows up. Gia jumps right on it and off they go to the Fantasy Suite.
Gia wants to tell Jake that she's falling in love with him but she's finds it too hard to say. And mark my words, that's going to be what gets her kicked out in the end. There's always one person that won't tell them how they feel and it's always what gets them gone. Bah, oh well. They get into a tub (not heart shaped, go figure) and I'm praying for a commercial break...
Tenley's up next and it's like watching Ariel and Prince Eric with these two. Ugh. He takes her flying in a helicopter and they land on a sugar plantation...figures. Now they're talking and...Holy crap this is like watching paint dry....Where's Vienna?
So they go to dinner and Tenley's all worried about the Fantasy Suite since she's only ever been with her ex-husband. And then they start dancing. Shoot me. Jake starts talking about how much he loves spending time with her and you know he's building up the courage to give her the Fantasy Suite card. "Come on baby, we can just talk!" So Tenley reads the card and says, "Let's get it on!" Okay, well maybe she didn't phrase it quite like that but she immediately said yes so whatever. Tenley keeps going on and on about how she doesn't spend the night with guys and this is a big deal and yeah we get it, you're not a whore. Can we please move on now????
So here's Vienna and they get on a pirate ship complete with Jake wearing a pirate eye patch and then those S.O.B.s at ABC start playing...you guessed it...
Then they shoot cannons (literally not figuratively) and climb the mast or whatever. Then Jake smacks her in the butt with a sword and makes her walk the plank. I swear I am not making this up! There are so many innuendos being tossed around here I think my head might explode. Then they show them frolicking on the beach. Ewwwwwww. Yes, commercial break! God loves me!
Side note: It has just occurred to me that Jake is different with each of the remaining women. With Gia he's all protective. With Tenley he treats her like they are in the same place in life and with Vienna he acts like one of those kids from "American Pie".
Back to the show, Vienna and Jake are talking about marriage or something while they eat dinner in a gazebo. Jake then asks Vienna what kind of rings she likes. Huh? Did he ask any of the other girls this? She tells him that she likes "bling around the ring" (well, can't blame her there) and then asks him if he can see her as his wife to which he answers yes. Whatever, I am just not seeing this at all. This is the weirdest couple ever. But then he ruins the moment by telling her that he loves the other two girls. Wow, maybe he really was dateless in school because he is a total idiot.
Anyway, back at Jake's room he's primping and what not when dun dun DUN the phone rings! It's Ali saying she made a mistake and wants to come back. I'll spare you the whole long thing, Jake basically tells her thanks but no thanks. Maybe her and Reid from Jillian's season should date each other. Oh and then Ali says that she'll never find anyone like Jake ever. Hmmm...looks like someone's gunning for the next Bachelorette!
Moving on, let's get to the rose ceremony! No wait, first: video messages are back! Yes! The part of the show where we watch the Bachelor awkwardly watch videos of the girls saying cheesy things.
But at the rose ceremony...holy crow, Gia's dress is sparkly! I'm really started to think we're meant to be friends. I wonder if she's looking for a short, stout, less attractive friend? Where was I? Oh right. Rose ceremony...Jake is scared of sending the wrong woman home. Whatever, break Gia's heart and let's get it over with already!
Long story short: Bye bye Gia! Just another kick in the pants to add to your long list of heartbreaks. I'll take that headband now, thanks! Oh don't cry for Gia folks! Her exit really was heartbreaking, she totally lets him off the hook and acts the quite the lady (with the exception of accidentally flashing her underwear. Don't worry, I didn't take a picture of that).
So what are your thoughts on this episode? Next week we get to see The Women Tell All and Rozlyn is back. Inappropriate relationships for the win!
Well we're packing our bags and heading off to the hometown dates! The final four, Tenley, Gia, Vienna and Ali are squealing to bring our Bachelor Jake home to meet the family. First stop is New York and Maxim Model Gia:
They go on a boat tour around the City and we're treated to their photo shoot (it'll give Gia something to look at while she cries after Jake sends her home, eh?) Also while on the boat, Gia tells Jake that one boyfriend cheated on her with all of her friends and her most recent ex didn't communicate and they fought a lot. Jake assures her that he doesn't resolve conflict that way and we're off to see her family. (Believe me, that part of the date was as boring as it sounds.) I'm not too worried though because I have a feeling they're going to rush us through the home towns to get to the supposed drama that happens after Jake is finished touring Boredom U.S.A.
Jake meets Gia's mom, stepfather, stepbrother and half brother. Gia tells us that her family has seen her with a broken heart and are protective of her. I can see how crappy their protection system is given Gia is now looking for love on TV, the one place she is sure to come away with heart intact. *eye roll* Gia's mom pulls Jake aside and it's time for some metaphorical butt kicking. She questions Jake as to whether or not he loves all four women and being the smart man that Jake is, he tells her MOM that he's falling for all four women. *face palm* But then wins her over with some muck and guck about how special Gia is. Meanwhile Gia is talking to her brother about her "wall" and how Jake "is different". Whatever. Then Gia's mom tells her that her gut feeling is that Jake will pick her.
Next up is Mean Girl Ali in Massachusetts. They spend time gushing all over each other and while I do not like Ali, they do have a certain chemistry. Too bad that...well, we'll get to that later. Anyway, after slobbering all over each other they make wishes on leaves. Then Ali takes Jake to her dead Grandmother's house and they talk about that for a while. (By the way, it is the cutest house ever.) She tells him how she told her Grandmother about him hours before her (Grandmother's) death. The house seems pretty empty except for a picture of her Grandmother on the mantel. I can't decide whether that's creepy or not. Then Ali takes Jake to meet the living members of her family: her mom, sister and brother. Ali's mom is also tough so she takes Jake outside for a little butt kicking chat. But it's all pretty tame: family is important, I like Ali, blahblahblahblah. He ends up asking her mom for permission to propose. She says sure, why not! Her gut feeling is that Jake will pick Ali.
Anyway, on to Oregon and Sweet As Apple Pie Tenley. They walk in a park while she asks him how close he is to his parents. He tells her that he zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Then she takes him to a dance studio where she dances for him. Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! And the answer to your question is yes, this is just as awkward as watching a guy sing to a girl. *shudder* But Jake loves it and says he is "melting into the chair". *barf* Not only that, she's dancing to that song that every bride uses to walk down the aisle. *double barf*
Anyway, Jake then meets Tenley's dad, mom and sister. But Jake is concerned as to whether or not Tenley is over her ex. No worries Jake my boy as Tenley comes from a family sweeter than she is and they all spend their time together crying and slopping sugar all over the place. And Jake asks her father permission to propose to Tenley. That's sure to not come back and haunt him later, right?
But now on to Florida...and Vienna (Sausages). Jake says he thinks Vienna is natural which is hilarious considering there is decidedly NOTHING natural about or on this girl. They go to meet Vienna's dad. Anyway, not much to tell here. They're protective, princess, kissy face, "falling for her", blahblahblah, "so real" yadayadayada.
So let's get to the good stuff because we have 40 minutes left in the episode and no way a rose ceremony takes up that much time. Back in LA they play a pop instrumental of "On the Wings of Love" (screw you ABC) when Jake gets a knock on his door and it's...
Ali!
Long story short: she tells Jake that she has to choose between staying on the show and going back to work. Uh...o-kay. That is sooooo last season. Last season of The Bachelorette to be exact as Ed did the same thing to Jillian. Ali asks for Jake's help in making the decision and he tells her to figure out which will be a bigger regret for her later. She says she doesn't know what she'll do but will let him know at the rose ceremony. (P.S.-Ali works for Facebook so they probably have some major project in Farmtown they need her on or something.)
So the girls show up and Ali decides to hit the road. Her and Jake have this pause filled stuttering 10 day long conversation that is DRIVING ME INSANE JUST GET TO THE FRIGGIN' POINT HOLY CRAP I AM SO BORED AND IT IS SO OBVIOUS YOU ARE JUST FISHING FOR HIM TO TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE THE ONE JUST GO BACK TO WORK OR YOUR CAFE WORLD HAMBURGERS WILL SPOIL ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!
Ahem...please excuse that outburst.
Jake tells Ali that he feels like she's slipping through his fingers. Well duh Einstein, she is leaving you. Sorry Jake, Ali's 401k was bigger than her love for you. So no rose ceremony tonight as Jake only needed to get down to three girls and Ali did that for him. That's a mercy at least. How could so much drama be so darn BORING? And when did The Bachelor turn into "come and go as you darn well please" anyway?
Next week it's off to St. Lucia for the overnight dates, huzzah! So what are your thoughts on this week's episode full of drama and gut feelings?
Well here we are, back for some more drama (and theoretical love) from our squeaky clean Bachelor Jake. It's the Battle of the Blondes (and Gia) and these girls are taking no prisoners. Sort of, I guess...listen, the real competition is between Vienna, Ali and Tenly. Corrie and Gia might as well go home now, they ain't gettin' picked in the end.
But let's back up. The crowd heads off to San Francisco. Vienna thanks her lucky stars that they are no longer roughing it and she can be treated like a princess. Although how you can feel like a princess while sharing a suite with 4 other girls is beyond me. Anyway, Jake leaves the first date card with them and Tenley is the lucky recipient of a one on one date. She also becomes the first (I think) of the girls to say how this has "become real". As real as any relationship can be while surrounded by cameras anyway.
Jake and Tenley hop a trolley and talk about how much they like Rice-a-Roni. Okay, they don't talk about delicious processed rice product but they trolley off to Chinatown to window shop and play with hats and fake Samurai swords. They then write their own fortunes for their fortune cookies "to be read later". I'm pretty sure Jake's to Tenley says, "You will be unlucky in love."
Back at the suite, the drama llamas are sitting around talking about what will happen on Tenley's date when the next date card arrives and Corrie tells them that it's a two on one date with....wait for it...Ali and Vienna. They both throw up in their mouths a little bit when Corrie says "Sike!" and tells them the date is really for Gia and Vienna. (Wow, you are like so funny Corrie) Vienna calls Ali out for freaking out and saying things about her at the last rose ceremony and Ali hems and haws until finally mumbling something about everyone making mistakes and having faults. Whatever.
Meanwhile on my couch:
Husband: "I hate that chick."
Me: "Which one?"
Husband: "The mean one."
Me: "Which one?"
Husband: "The one that looks like she's from The View"
Me: "Which one?"
Husband: "The blonde one... wait, nevermind."
Meanwhile, back on the show Vienna and Ali snip at each other a little more before Vienna walks off to pick out her most bootilicious outfit for her date. Cut back to Tenley and Jake, they have dinner in a tower and Jake says he "has a table for two set up". Jake, once again, we do not believe that you set this date up. Not what y'all did, not the table, not what was served. Nada. Anyway, Jake asks Tenley what mistakes she made in her first marriage that she wouldn't make the second time. She gives some blahblah about how she'll greet her next husband at the door or something like that. Cue awkward pause. Cut to nervous giggles (from both mind you) then Tenley giggly asks, "Where did that come from?" to which Jake responds, "From the heart." B-a-r-f. These two make me as nauseated as that Tanyalee couple from eHarmony. Almost.
Tenley asks Jake what his expectations are for his partner and his marriage. He says he expects his wife to always "have his back" (I guess in case of bar fights?) and something about marriage not being perfect but love always will be (perfect). *dry heave* Tenley asks him about cheating, he says he'll never cheat and Tenley pees herself a little. Then they kiss and open up their handwritten fortune cookies. Jake wrote "Kiss me". Tenley wrote "Kiss me". Jake chortles his fake ole laugh, Tenley blushes. Cue the piano version of "On the Wings of Love" and I swear, I'm about to puke all over myself. Dear Lord, in Your infinite wisdom, please make this date end! Commercial break! Please go to commercial!!!!!
Finally! So now it's Gia and Vienna's turn at Jake and before the girls arrive Jake confesses to being nervous to being on a date with two girls (yeah, cause the last time you did it you sent both packing and we have to watch the whole dramatic rose burning thing. Remember?) Luckily there's no rose on this date but Jake is still sweating because being on a date with two women is "almost awkward". Almost? Really? Just "almost"? And just where are these crazy lovebirds going? A vineyard, yay! Wait, what? Didn't they just finish camping out at a vineyard? Way to splurge ABC! Gia begins the date by being the third wheel. Meanwhile back at the suite, Ali's all freaking out that Vienna may be talking about her to Jake (whatever) and Tenley thinks maybe Jake took them on the 2 on 1 date to try and decide between the two of them. Again, they are operating under the delusion that Jake gets to decide any of this stuff, like who gets to go on dates and where they go.
Vienna does the stupid thing and brings up how bratty Ali was being after the last rose ceremony. Jake gives a whole, "I don't care what anyone thinks" speech but please, once one of these girls goes off on him, he's bound to pee himself. Jake mentions to us that he's trying to split his attention between the two girls but he's failing miserably. (Well duh) So he takes Gia away from some one on one time while Vienna pouts about being left alone with Gia's salmon.
Can I interject here? Something has been bugging me about Jake and this whole season and I think I've nailed it: Jake is waaaaaaaay to nice to be The Bachelor. See, the past Bachelors have all been nice in their own way but let's be honest: they all have a touch of the douche to them. And I think that trying to balance 25 chicks at once, quite frankly you have to be a little tool-ish otherwise you don't have enough confidence to pull it off. And therein lies the problem with Jake. He seems like a 100% genuinely nice guy and while he definitely deserves to find the love of his life, making us watch it is awkward, cringe-inducing and BO-RING. There! I said it!
Okay, where were we? Oh right, Jake and Gia's alone time. Gia gives the whole "I've never dated a guy who was dating all these other girls, I don't feel special" speech that at least one girl EVERY season gives. Then Jake the Nice Guy makes the classic Bachelor Blunder: he tells Gia that he's falling for her. DUMB dumb DUMB dumb! She is SO going to be bringing that up during her bitter couch time with Chris on the reunion special. What a dope.
Anyway, Vienna's had enough and she goes off to interrupt them only to get lost in the winery catacombs. hahahahahahaha She finally finds them and takes Jake away. What follows are delightful awkward pauses (seriously, is he into any of these chicks for real?) and Jake finally pulls a question out of his butt, "What would married life be like?" and Vienna says, AND I QUOTE, "When I get married, I want it to be like we're little 6 year kids in love every single day." Yep, six year old kids. She tells him she's falling for him to which he responds, "Really? heh heh heh" Vienna follows up by saying, "I don't want to share you anymore" and Jake says (totally deadpan mind you), "I know, this is a crazy crazy adventure, isn't it?" Huh? What? Uh, does he even want to be there? Can we PLEASE get someone interesting in here? It's not like the girls will care, they'll just fall all over the new guy. Please?
Jake takes the girls to their room and awkwardly tells them good night. Vienna gets all insecure and decides that she's going to crash Jake's room. Gia thinks Vienna is digging her own grave and she's more than welcome to hand her a shovel. So anyway, Jake's all shirtless when Vienna walks in "sexy as Hell" (his words) with 2 glasses of wine. Jake is quick to tell us that everything was G rated. Jake basically kicked her out of his bed and back upstairs to Gia.
Corrie (who?) gets the next one on one date. Oh I bet this is just going to be so NOT boring. Corrie says she wants a guy that will persue her and chase her. Hmmmm...good thing you went on a show where you have to do the chasing then, huh Einstein? Jake takes her on a row boat in the park and I'm already bored. Then get this: Jake stands up in the boat, finally squats down and what follows is the most awkward silence in Bachelor history. Well, besides the large amount of nervous twittering from them. I just keep hoping Sebastian will show up and lead the local wildlife in a round of "Kiss the Girl". For the love of... She's waiting for him to kiss her, he's waiting for her to kiss him. Sebastian never shows and we're finally put out of our misery when Jake says, "I'm about ready for dinner." Good night mama, this is ridiculous. Corrie is so going home...mark it. They next go to a closed science center. Thrilling. Jake tells Corrie what a "nice time" he's had so far. Corrie says she thinks his head was somewhere else. Jake tells her he's concerned that their relationship has moved really slow. I'll spare you the details, they talk about boring stuff until Corrie drops the bomb that she's a virgin. Jake pees himself and they kiss. Fade to black.
Jake comes to pick up Ali for their one on one date and since Ali is from good ole San Fran, their date is her showing him around "her city". Blah. They walk past a florist and Jake asks her what her favorite flower is ("I think daisy") and then shows her his favorite flower (uh...o-kay) and then Ali says, "I want you, you're my big flower." Oh come ON! Gross!
So far the most exciting part of this episode is the first look at Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland they show during a commercial break...AWESOME!!!!
Anyway, Ali and Jake are hitting it off and it's obvious she's going to be getting a rose. He asks her about the whole Vienna thing which she brushes off and says she's ready to let that go. Whatever. Then they kiss. I'm ready to move on to the rose ceremony now.
Jake comes up to their suite for the rose ceremony and after some semi-awkward alone time with each of the "ladies" we're ready to get this party started. Jake even says, "This rose ceremony's going to hurt." Please tell me that means someone's going to be bleeding by the end of this. Alas, he means emotionally hurt and three guesses as to who gets sent home. See ya Corrie!
So next week we'll be going home with Gia, Ali, Vienna and Tenley. And from the previews it looks like it will be the most...dramatic...rose ceremony...EVER. *gasp*
So that's it for me! Did you watch tonight's episode?
Welcome to the fourth episode of The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love. Previously, on the third episode we saw Michelle go home mid date and Elizabeth tease her way out of the house. What shall happen tonight my fellow Bachelor fans? I mean, with girls being tossed out on their butts left and right, there's not much more they can do to entertain us...is there? It looks like ABC is sure going to try as earlier today on Twitter, Chris Harrison (the host of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette) had this to say:
Oh really Mr. Harrison? Well, we'll just see about that...
Although the opening is pretty in your face: bleeped cussing, flowers on fire and Jake refusing to give out roses...hmmmm...I'm intrigued...
Let's dive right in, shall we?
So Chris shows up at the house and tells the gals that there will be one 1 on 1 date, one group date and one 2 on 1 date. He also informs the ladies that they are all being kicked out of the house...and on to a couple of RVs. Road trip! So in a flurry of squealing glee, the girls run out and Ali promptly crawls into the luggage compartment underneath the RV. Quick, lock it! Lock it up tight!
Apparently the girls aren't coming back to the house at all as the girls will be living in the RVs for a while and heading up the California coast. Oh this should be good. One thing for sure, I am so glad these girls are in motorized vehicles. Maybe now we'll get a rest from the painful plane and flying analogies and what not. I mean, come on...what can they about a stupid RV going down the...oh crap.
Ella: "I am ready to get my relationship with Jake rolling down the highway of love."
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! How could you Ella?! How COULD you?!?! That's it, you've made the list!
Anyway, Corrie says, "OMG we're going to like be like the most dysfunctional like family on the highway." Okay fine, she didn't say "like" that many times but um hello Corrie. You are not a "family". You are one girl out of 9 who is competing for the "love" of one guy. Oh these girls...
So Jake meets them (on his motorcycle of course) in a vineyard where he has "set up a camp" (yeah dude, we totally believe you like pitched tents and stuff). The girls show up and Jake gives them the first date card. The one on one goes to...Gia the Swimsuit Model. We're treated to Jake shaving outdoors, putting his shirt on and reflecting on his upcoming date with Gia, "She's a city girl and this is a simple date in the middle of a vineyard. I want to see how she handles that." Dude, regardless of it being outdoors, you're still in a freakin' vineyard. It's not like you've got to be afraid of bear attacks or snakes or something.
So Gia suggests to Jake that they play hide and seek in the vineyard. (I'm sure the owners appreciate them tearing through their cash crop.) They then have a picnic and Gia tells Jake about how bullied she was in school (which makes him laugh for some reason) and then he tells her about how he was dateless in school. So for a while they go back and forth with the whole "I was a total nerd!" "I don't believe you, I was the nerd!" "No I was!" And they tie the whole thing up by playing Spin the Bottle. Seriously.
Okay, I have to interject here. Is it me, or has there really been no one that Jake seems 100% comfortable around? No way Gia is sticking around. Bah. Of course Gia gushes about how Jake's kiss is the best kiss of her life. Well, at least she'll have a recording of it to watch on those lonely nights after Jake kicks her off, right? So now they're snuggling around a fire and Jake is interested in how Gia will handle dinner because instead of a steak (what Jake thinks she's used to) they're having hot dogs and s'mores and Jake wants to see how "she'll handle it". Come on, seriously? What is the big freakin' deal about her being from the city? Whatever. Let's move on, this is soooooo boring.
Back at the ranch, the girls decide they want to holler out to Jake while he's on the date with Gia and proceed to howl. True class here people. The group date card comes and it's: Jessie, Ashleigh, Tenley, Ali, Vienna and Corrie. Which means Ella and Kathryn get the 2 on 1 date. They both promptly pee themselves as only one girl comes back from the 2 on 1 date (in theory).
Anyway, Jake and Gia are STILL on their date and I'm hoping he'll just give her the rose so we can move on. Gia's scared, wearing her heart on her sleeve, kisskiss, blahblahblah, Jake goes to get the rose annnnnnnd...gives her the rose. They kiss, she cries...meh. Wait a minute...that piano music sounds familiar...where have I heard it before? I think that I may...oh no they didn't! Sneaky little so and so's!
Nice try ABC but you can't sneak this past me! It's so painful! Argh! Actually, I guess it could be worse. Jake could be an ice cream truck driver and then we'd have to listen to "Pop Goes the Weasel" every episode...
Jake again comments about how he's impressed that a "complex city girl" can enjoy such a simple date. To sum up, they are camping out in a vineyard, it's not like they're on an episode of Survivorman for Pete's sake.
So now we're on the group date with Jessie, Ashleigh, Tenley, Ali, Vienna and Corrie. Jake meets them at Pismo Beach and they girls are already talking about who will get the rose. Ali talks about how she'll throw up if Vienna gets the rose and I would LOVE for that to actually happen! I believe there's only been one season of the Bachelor where one of the girls threw up and it was awesome. Anyhoo, Jake tells the girls that they need to be prepared to get "extremely dirty tee hee" (Jake is so clearly uncomfortable with double entendres). They drive dune buggies around which is okay I guess. )Anyone ever watch MST3k? "It's great for tearing up fragile ecosystems!") Then they "sand surf".
You know what's funny? Maybe driving a dune buggy and surfing down a sand mountain is what Jake should have used to test "Gia the Complex City Girl". Duh. They eat and then Jake wants everyone to roll down the hill. (He's carrying over from his 5th grade date with Gia apparently) Corrie is the only one that goes. Later they get all cleaned up and go to some fancy schmancy place. Jake says, "I love dirty girls! tee hee" Huh? Seriously dude, not your forte. Please stick to squeaky clean, that's all your good for I promise you.
The girls see their room and squeal about how "fairy tale" it is and Tenley celebrates by jumping on a leather couch in what looks to be a very expensive place. Are they 8 years old or something? This whole episode has been very Gymboree so far. I should wake Toot up and let her watch.
So the girls get all cleaned up, put on their most ho-ish dresses and tallest heels to meet Jake who is wearing jeans, a white t-shirt and a fleece. What the heck? Seriously, something is really starting to bug me about Jake.
Anyway, Jake takes Ashleigh for some one on one time and it is...awkward. Lots of pauses and bo-ring. Ashleigh says in her voice over that a lot of the girls are being very forward and it's coming across as desperate and she would never want to be seen that way. Um, what? Wasn't this the same girl that put on her bikini on the FIRST night to try and get Jake's attention? Yeah, you are SO not desperate sweetie. Jake looks mighty uncomfortable and it's clear he can't think of a darn thing to say. She says she thinks he should give her the rose and he admits to us that there's no chemistry there. Well duh.
They come back and Jake asks Vienna for one on one time and she asks if she can go last. This pisses Ali off, like it's her business or something and so she goes off with Jake. She starts talking about the roses and Jake says, "Um hello, I wanna enjoy this time with you not talk about the roses you freakin' weirdo." (I'm paraphrasing of course)
Tenley is next and Jake is concerned that she is still hung up on her ex-husband. She says no, they share a painful kiss (his head is in her lap and he tries to pull her head all the way down to him, basically folding her in half until he gives up and sits up. Moron.) So he then takes Vienna off and I'm confused. She asked to be last but we haven't seen him spend time with Jessie yet, have we?
Whatever, Jake tells Vienna that he thinks the stuff the girls are doing to her, she's bringing on her self. Whoa. Wait, did I seriously miss his one on one time with Jessie? Hang on...*rewinding*...Nope, they do not show him talking to Jessie. Maybe he didn't see her there in the sea of blondes. Okay, well Jessie's definitely going home, they're not even showing her, send that poor girl home already! So Jake gives the rose to...Tenley. He thanks her for being patient as he ignored her in the beginning. Wait wait wait wait! If you'll remember: Tenley got the first impression rose on the FIRST NIGHT. How the heck is that ignoring her? Also, if I was Jessie I would stand up and be like, "Hello! I'm the one you're ignoring! See! You're doing it right now!" Holy crap this group's folder should be titled "Box of Hammers, Dumb As A".
Anyway, they're back on the road, off to the 2 on 1 date and the rose ceremony. Ella and Kathryn are crapping themselves. Kathryn more than Ella since she's barely talked to Jake this whole time. (And yes ABC, I heard that more upbeat guitar version of "On the Wings of Love" and it is not appreciated.) They end up in Big Sur and Jake looks like the Bounty man. Ella and Kathryn head off to their date.
This whole thing is awkward. Ella asks him what he looks for, he answers, asks her the same question, she starts talking about her son and Kathryn unsuccessfully tries to interrupt. *cringe* So Jake takes Ella off for some one on one time and Kathryn is "frustrated". Jake tells Ella that he doesn't want to keep her here if he's not feeling it. Well, that's encouraging. He then takes Kathryn away and tells her he keeps getting "lost in her eyes". That must be why he hasn't said more than two words to her. She of course confronts him about his ignoring her, he apologizes, she says he has a wall up and he blames it on her being sooooo beautiful. Whatever. They share a hug and the sparks are flying! Not. (Oh yeah, I went there Wayne's World fans. In your face, 1990's!)
Back at camp, the girls are talking about how both Kathryn and Ella are like sooooo amazing and Ali says she doesn't want either one to go home. Okay, that's it. Listen here ladies, have you even watched the show before?! The whole point is that everyone goes home but one person. You should be wanting both of them to go home, you moron. This is The Bachelor for crying out loud, not Friends! Tenley gets all whiny because she didn't say good-bye to either one of the girls. Whatever.
Jake leaves Ella and Kathryn in the cabin and goes out on the balcony to think about what he's done...wait, that's not right. Who he'll give the rose to I mean.
So back in he goes to give the bad news. First, he asks to talk to Ella outside. This is not good folks. Long story short: he sends her home. I'll spare you his flowery break up speech. At least she gets a limo, most of the rejects just get a van to the airport. He then goes back into the cabin and Kathryn's all happy she's getting the rose and then oh snap! Jake thanks Kathryn for bitching at him about stuff but she needs to hit the road too. She asks a simple "Are you sure about that? I don't understand!" Are you serious? Dude, you've talked to him maybe once. If I were you, I'd be ready to get the heck up outta there! Sheesh. Plus, Kathryn doesn't even get a limo out, she gets an SUV. You've been served, reject! I'd be more upset by that than Jake telling me to get out.
You know, there's been this whole trend this season of girls failing miserably to get Jake's heart and then being utterly dumbfounded when he lets them go. (Michelle, Elizabeth and now Kathryn) I'm confused myself, how do you not know he's not feeling it? Jake is not one that can hides his feelings at all, this is what makes him a complete snore of a Bachelor. (Pay attention ABC!)
Anyway, the roadies come and take away Ella and Kathryn's stuff and the other girls start crying. What the what is that about? Good night Nelly you've got to be kidding me with this mess. Both Ella and Kathryn think Jake is making a huge mistake and I'm thinking ABC made the mistake by choosing Jake as the Bachelor. B-O-R-I-N-G They then show Jake dramatically throwing the rose on the fire. Wait, there's a second rose in there. Where did that come from? Jake must have messed up the drama on the first throw. God help us.
Thanks for ruining this dramatic moment Jake! Then we get this shot:
So the girls are talking about who will go home and of course they all want Vienna out. Ali even says that if Vienna doesn't go home, Jake will get a "talking to". This girl is working my last nerve here. So at the cocktail party, Corrie gets one on one time and there's like zero chemistry. So it's on to Ali and she gushes about how honorable he was for getting rid of Ella and Kathryn. He kisses her and I'm pretty sure she's staying around another week. Crap.
Jessie decides that she's got to have alone time with Jake tonight. Wow, ya think?! Then she says that she's going to tell Jake how much Vienna needs to go home. WHAT?! That's how you're going to spend the ONE time you ever get to talk to him? Oh yes, that will TOTALLY make him keep you around. Idiot.
Jake takes Vienna off and all she talks about is how the girls are so uptight and whatever, I'm bored with this. Jake laughs uncomfortably like always and thank GOD Chris is finally here banging on a glass and we can get this rose ceremony under way. Hallelujah!
Jake keeps talking about how he doesn't want to lead anyone on, Ali keeps threatening she'll go off if Vienna gets a rose and I really wish I had a Twix bar. Those are so good, aren't they? Yum.
Wait, what? Oh right. Rose ceremony! Jake comes out and say that he's not ready to give out roses. He gives a big flowery speech: so hard, don't want to hurt anyone, almost impossible, yadayadayada, life on hold line again, whatever just pick one!
Roses go to: Tenley, Gia (who both already had one), Ali (BOO!), Corrie (say what?) and then...nothing. He stops, leaves the room and proceeds to pee himself and tell Chris that he doesn't want to give out the last two roses. Actually, he just wants to give out one more rose, not two. And of course the final rose goes to Vienna.
So off you go Ashleigh and Jessie! Was there ever any doubt these two would be going tonight? And boy is Ali p-i-s-s-e-d! She and Tenley decide that they have to tell Jake how awful Vienna is and soon....dun dun DUN!
Will Tenley and Ali keep whining? Will Jake just send everyone home and call Michelle? Can I watch an episode without eye rolling myself into oblivion? Join us next week for another dramatic episode!
Welcome to the third episode of The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love. Please note that this is the THIRD episode, this information will come in handy later. So we begin with a day long recap of what's happened so far (in the other TWO episodes) what with Rozlyn getting kicked to the rose covered curb and Ali's date with Chicago, a lot has happened here folks.
Once we get going on tonight's episode, Chris shows up at the mansion to tell the girls that there will be 2 one on one dates and one group date. The first to get a one on one date is Vienna (sausages) who immediately starts to cry upon hearing her name called (third episode folks). Cut to creepy Michelle who is "frustrated" because she wanted a one on one date (like no one else wanted it) and Ali who is "surprised that Jake picked her for a one on one date" and that she "feels a sense of betrayal almost". Again, third episode everyone. First of all, can anyone really still believe that Jake is coming up with date locales, things to do and who he's going with? That's what producers are paid for (or were paid for before they allegedly "entered into an inappropriate relationship" with Rozlyn) and second of all, "betrayal"...really? She does see the other girls in the house, right? She knows she's not the only one going out with Jake, right? It amazes me how this show could be on for this long and these chicks still don't get it. Duh.
Anyhoo, Vienna and Jake head off to...oh snap! First helicopter of the season! I swear this show just needs to buy it's own 'copter. That and a hot tub and they will save so much money! Cut to the Drama Llamas sunning by the pool where Vienna is getting raked across the coals for "ruffling feathers" which must have happened before the crew showed up because they haven't showed me any of these feather ruffling scenes. Wait, have they? Maybe I blocked it. I have watched two entire episodes already, it's hard to keep up.
Back to Vienna and Jake where they are going bungee jumping. Vienna promptly pees herself. We also find out that Jake is afraid of heights...Jake the airline pilot...is afraid of heights. So they tie this into overcoming fears together makes you a stronger couple blahblahblah and then Jake promptly pees himself. Cue Vienna becoming the comforting force. Just jump off the freakin' bridge already!!! So they jump and then kiss upside down like Spider-man.
Back at "Jake's house" and they start taking about the jump (hello, we were there! We saw it, let's move on already!) Jake says she's nurturing, she says she'll jump again if it means she gets a rose, then Jakes says zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Whoa, must have dozed off there...sorry!
Back at the house, the group date card shows up and it goes to: Corrie, Elizabeth, Ali, Tenley, Kathryn, Michelle (dun dun DUN) and uh...I lost track. Oh right, Ashleigh and Jessie (who?). Michelle is pissed because she wanted one on one time with Jake. (I'm pretty sure this is headed somewhere folks...somewhere painfully awkward, mark my words!) Then Tenley says she'll be surprised if Vienna comes home with a rose because she thinks "he'll see what the girls in the house are seeing". What?! What are you seeing?!?! Can we see please? Anyone?!
Back to Vienna and Jake in surprise, surprise a hot tub. He thanks her AGAIN for saving him from certain death on the bridge, yadayadayada, gives her some long winded speech about her honesty, glad you're here, refreshing, isn't it amazing how my voice never changes no matter what emotion I'm feeling, snooze fest, finally gives her the rose AND she actually says (and I quote) "I'm on Cloud Jake!"
*barf*
Vienna returns to the house, cheerfully telling the girls who could care less, everything about her fabulous, amazing, "cloud Jake" date. The girls are P-I-S-S-E-D that she came home.
Let's go on a group date shall we? I'm naming this date, "The Most Awkward Date Known To Man". Michelle is STILL bitching about not getting the one on one date. (shut up shut up SHUT UP!) Jake introduces the gals to...*drum roll*...Jon Lovitz. Really? Jon Lovitz? Okay, he's like great and stuff but seriously? First Chicago and now Jon Lovitz. Hey ABC, did ya use your entire budget on roses with nothing left over to get good celebrities on the show? Freakin' Launch My Line got Lady Gaga, they at least know pop culture and current events, geez louise!
Lovitz tells the girls that they will be doing a comedy show. Cue dying. They'll be doing stand up comedy. Dear Lord tell me I will wake up from this nightmare. Cut to the house where we find out that Ella gets the final one on one date leaving Valisha (who?) and Gia without a date for the week. Vienna starts talking about how Ella will love having all of Jake's attention and it pisses everyone off although she seems oblivious.
Back to the comedy club (do I have to?) Ashleigh starts crying because she doesn't want to do it (don't blame her, the whole date is stupid) but then she goes into this speech about how she's not funny and Jake comes over and writes down a joke for her to tell. Well, I'm laughing. And surprise, surprise there will be a live audience for their performances. Commence peeing of multiple pants. Ashleigh declares she "is on another planet". Yeah ya are!
Before we go on to these girls humiliating themselves by not only looking for love on TV but then having to do a stand up routine on TV with a live audience, may I say something? This is the stupidest date EVER. They started this embarrassing crap with DeAnna's season making the boys sing, then Jason's season making the girls sing, then they made the boys act on Jillian's season and now this BS. Listen, I'm all for wanting someone that will take risks and be fun and carefree but how does making them embarrass themselves prove anything? Y'all know I'm an outgoing person but should this happen to me, there would be a Maggi-shaped smoke cloud to match the Maggi-shaped hole in the door as I ran away. This is stupid and girls, on behalf of ABC, I apologize.
All right, let's get this awkwardness over with. Ali is first: tells a joke about Pooh/poo. I don't recognize the second girl up but she calls her family fat. Tenley's next and she puts her feet behind her head and hits herself in the face with the mike. Elizabeth the "kiss me, no don't kiss me!" nanny says this is "so not cool" and then proceeds to tell a joke that was practically all bleeped out. If I were Jake I would be glad she wasn't kissing me with her potty mouth. Kathryn brings Jake on stage and then kisses him. har har har Too funny. Michelle tells us that when she finally kisses Jake there will be passion, pulling hair and ripping clothes off. Yuck.
Speaking of which, it's Michelle's turn on stage and seriously, I can't watch this. Please don't make me! She notices the palm trees and notes, "the coconuts are missing...I wonder where they are? teehee!" Punchline: "They're on me of course waiting for Jake." no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no. No one laughs and I want to crawl under the couch. This is seriously painful. Cut to Ali saying Michelle's "a little off". Ashleigh is up and she refuses to go on so Corrie goes on instead and she does "impersonations" of the other girls in the house. Jake laughs at first and then gets upset when she focuses her non-talent on Vienna. So now Ashleigh has to go since there's no one left and she tells blonde jokes. Good one.
It's over! Praise God it's over! WOO HOO!!!
They go to party on a roof and Jake takes it to a "serious level" by telling the group that he understands how they feel when they see him hugging someone else because he feels it too. Wait, what? Tenley pulls him aside and tells him about her cheating husband and divorce. She cries, they hug, the kiss. Blah.
He pulls Ashleigh aside and she wants to tell him how much she hates Vienna. Don't tell him, kiss of non-rose death! Kiss of non-rose death! Jake says he's not seeing what they see (We're not either Jake!) Cut to house: we find ourselves in the midst of the other girls ganging up on Vienna for bringing drama in the house. Vienna accuses them of being fake and storms off. Whatever.
Jake then takes Ali off and she's worried that he's changed his mind since their Chicago date last week. (Third episode guys) He reassures her, she says "like" about 2,000 times and they kiss. Ali then brings up Vienna. Dumb dumb dumb girl. Ali goes back to the group to praise Corrie for making fun of Vienna behind her back. Now that is true class.
Before commercial break we're treated to Michelle telling us how it's her turn to give her mom a grandbaby and she'll be here in the end. Yikes. We're back and Michelle is still whining about wanting one on one time with Jake. Double yikes. She goes off on all the girls and Elizabeth the No Kissing Nanny says she needs a therapist. And Michelle FINALLY gets her one on one time! Huzzah!
She tells Jake she's here for the right reasons. She really wants a husband. She tells Jake that she doesn't know if she can keep going if she doesn't know whether or not Jake has feelings for her. (Again, T-H-I-R-D episode.) Jake starts to not meet her eyes. And she asks if they can kiss to see if she feels something. What the what?! So they kiss and when Jake pulls away he looks like he wants to jump off the party roof. Michelle immediately says, "You gotta give me more than that! Are you kidding me?" Oh boy, this chick is cracked y'all! Wanna see Jake right after she said that and before he dropped his head in uncomfortable silence?
And what does Jake say when she then asks him why his head is down? "I'm almost ready for this night to be over." Oh SNAP! That is NOT what you want to hear right after you kiss a guy. No way. But it's okay because Michelle tells him she's leaving. She tells him that if he wants her to stay, she'll stay. Now tell me I'm wrong ladies, she totally said that so he would say, "No no, please stay! I want to get to know you, I would miss you!" Right? Oh I am SO right!
For once Jake does the smart thing and says, "Yeah...I think it would be better if you did leave." Boo-ya! Her response: "I just can't believe you're doing it. I didn't think it was going to be this way. This is stupid." So he walks her out and she says...GET THIS..."He kicked me to the curb. I had no clue." WHA?!?! You mean you had no clue that he would send you home after you told him you were leaving?! You are a nut case woman. NUT CASE! This is just the saddest thing ever. Much more interesting than the whole Rozlyn thing from last week by the way.
At least Jake was okay going back up to the roof to finish partying:
P.S.-Only an hour into this episode.
So Jake comes back to the girls and tells them that he asked Michelle to leave after "exploring every option" (what?), that he's not giving out a rose tonight and he kicks them off the roof. The girls gush about how strong and full of integrity Jake is and I start doing the exaggerated eye roll. Oh bro-ther. *puke*
Now on to Ella's one on one date. Jake mentions the sacrifice she made by leaving her son behind and surprise surprise it's her birthday. Tens bucks says her son shows up on the date. Oh and lookie here, another helicopter! How original! While they are gone, Vienna apologizes to everyone for whatever she did. Ali's not buying it and accuses her of talking about other people (whole pot calling the kettle black ring any bells, Ali?) Whatever.
Back to Ella and Jake, they end up at Sea World (the place for true romantics). Jake: "Can you believe we're here?!" Dude, it's frickin' Sea World. It's always open to the public, you can go any time. You can get a season pass if you love it so much. Anyway, queue Ella's son as Jake's birthday present to her. Listen, this is sweet and all but it's been done. Remember Stephanie from Jason's season? Yeah, then it was sweet. Now it's just predictable. Her son looks terrified. "Mommy, whose this man with no shirt on?" Just kidding, Jake kept his shirt on...at least until he put on a wetsuit and they fed dolphins and stuff.
Ella makes a point to say that under normal circumstances she would never let a man meet her son this early. I guess being on TV will make is less painful and emotionally scarring for her son when she doesn't marry Jake. Duh people. Listen, I won't bore you with the rest of their date. They talk about her son, blahblahblah, I can see myself being engaged to you, blahblahblah. Ella says she wants what Trista and Ryan have...way to cite past seasons! She also mentions that she doesn't think that Jake would have brought her son out if he didn't feel a connection. Shhhh...she hasn't seen Jason's season where he brought out Stephanie's son only to ditch her later on...don't tell her! Geez, how is this date not over yet?! He gives her the rose. Moving on...
Cocktail party before rose ceremony: Jake's going into the party "a little more serious". Elizabeth gets the first alone time with Jake and brings up the whole "not kissing" thing. She literally says that "Jake needs to be a man and hold true to his convictions and not try to kiss me." Then her first "hard" question to Jake is, "Are you good at back rubs?" Jake's starting to catch on that Elizabeth is a total tease AND he calls her on it! Holy crap!!! He says he doesn't know what to make of her and at first she giggles and looks like, "he's buying it!" but then he says that he's known couples that have elected not to kiss for spiritual reasons but he doesn't think that's what she's about. She agrees and then he says, "If somebody is just using that to tease, that's not right." Elizabeth immediately freaks out. He tells her stop teasing him (go Jake) so she keeps teasing him. Someone bring back Michelle please!
Elizabeth proceeds to tell the other girls that Jake called her a tease and she says she has no idea where he got this idea from...what?! Seriously, this whole house is full of psychos! Jake talks to Vienna after she takes him from Elizabeth and tells him the hard time she's having, Jake says he's glad she's here, blahblahblah. She has a rose so I'm not sure why she feels the need to talk to him. So of course the other girls blast her for it when she gets back to the room. Of course Elizabeth starts crying and says that she's not desperate and can get a date any day of the week (whatever) and she doesn't understand why he's pressuring her to kiss him. Again...WHAT?!
So Ali confronts Vienna about interrupting Elizabeth's time with Jake and here's my question: Hey Ali, why do you want Jake to be spending time with any one but you? How about quit wasting your time bitching at Vienna and start interrupting girls yourself, you moron! Elizabeth keeps drinking and getting more and more pissed and demands an explanation from Jake. Jake once again tells her that he's cool if she doesn't want to kiss but that she needs to quit confusing him. She of course turns the whole thing into being his fault for delaying this explanation and I'm tired. Send her home Jake! Send her home!!!
Let's wrap this up for Pete's sake. Roses go to: Gia, Corrie, Tenley, Ali, Jessie (who?), Kathryn (who?), last rose goes to Ashleigh.
So bye bye Valisha (whose profession is listed as "Homemaker". Huh?) and HOLY CRAP see ya Elizabeth the Teasing Nanny! Wow!
So that's it for this week's Bachelor! Have you been watching? What do you think of these crazy chicks?
You know, I told Christy that I gave the newest episode of The Bachelor less than a minute into the show before they had Jake's shirt off. You may remember me telling you last week that Jake hates only one thing: those horrid restrictive things called "shirts":
But I was wrong. It took them all of 10 seconds to get his shirt off. Totally underestimated ABC! D'oh!
So here we are, episode 2 of the Bachelor and these girls are already going off the deep end. Seriously. If they aren't talking about how "stacked" Jake is (can boys be stacked?) they're rambling about how they are the only one for Jake and the rest of the girls can't begin to be right for him. Geez louise, it's like a Glenn Close a la Fatal Attraction convention is in town...
Chris Harrison (whose shirt matches the wall color, seriously who the heck dresses these people?!) tells the girls there will be 2 group dates, 1 one on one date and 2 girls will get no date at all. (Spoiler alert: Kooky Nut Michelle from my last post and sweet as kittens Tenley do not get dates. I'm assuming it's because Jake pointed and said, "Girl I definitely ain't pickin'" and "Girl I wanna marry." I'll leave you to guess which is which.)
The first group date goes to Gia, Valisha, Christina, Ashleigh, some other girl - I think they said Corrie or something like that (no wait, is it Ella?) and Rozlyn, who has scary music behind her every time they show her. Scandal a brewin' perhaps??? Hmmmm...they are going to a lot of trouble to make her look like "she's here for the wrong reasons". Well, let's put that on the back burner as we watch the ladies take part in an In Style photoshoot.
Blah blah blah "I want one on one time" "I want the date rose" yadayadayada drama llama ding dong, Rozlyn gets the rose on this date yet the scary dramatic music keeps getting louder and more frightening...what could be going on?!?!
Blond #25 Ali gets the one on one date. Jake takes her flying. Wait a minute...What's that music I hear? Oh no...please God no...please don't let them play...the song...They can't make me listen....I won't!!!!
Oh yes they played it, those cheesy so and so's...I think what made this scene more nauseating was when Ali said, "For me, that plane taking off was our relationship taking off..." I am not making this up folks...excuse me....
*barf*
Okay, I'm back. Anyway, Ali and Jake have dinner, she gets a rose and then they are given a private concert by Chicago...um, Chicago...really? Does she even know who they are? Wait, Chicago's still together? Bah.
Last group date goes to the leftovers: Elizabeth, Jessie, Kathryn, Vienna (I'm assuming her parents really liked those little sausages) and Ashley. They go to Six Flags and during her one on one time, Elizabeth reads a note to Jake that she wrote him. First of all, a note...really? Second of all, why don't you let him read it himself? I was so hoping it would include a "Do you like me? Check yes or no" section but alas it was Elizabeth informing Jake that he could not kiss her. Period. Um...okay. Listen sweetie, I am so down with people that actually have standards, morals and respect for their bodies and intimate moments. I just don't usually see those people on reality dating shows. Now normally, this whole thing scares Bachelors away but not our Boy Scout Jake! Oh no, he LOVES it and gives her the date rose. Well, okay. I have never cared for her but I guess she's okay.
So the rest of the girls are sent back to the hen house and Elizabeth and Jake enjoy some alone time which is useless since she's refusing to make out with him. Now, that I have no problem with HOWEVER she spends most of their time saying to Jake (insert sexy voice here), "Do you want to kiss me? Cause I soooo want to kiss you..."
DUDE! Girl Rule #1 is it's your body, don't let nobody do nothing to it you don't want. But Girl Rule #2 is IF YOU SAY NO YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO THEN TEASE THEM ABOUT WANTING TO DO WHAT YOU JUST SAID THEY COULDN'T DO. d-u-h She also says, "I'm playing hard to get because that's what I deserve". Then don't go on a reality show where you're competing for a guy you moron! That's it, Elizabeth needs to go...gross...
Holy crap y'all...I've still got an hour to go in this episode! There's only the rose ceremony left so what could take an hour? He's making his rounds...girls are starting to break down, but that shouldn't take an hour? Wait a minute...the scary music...Rozlyn's scary music...do you think??? Nah...no way! Never gonna happen...
dun dun DUN!
Long story short, Rozlyn entered into an "inappropriate relationship" with a show staff member and was asked to leave and the staff member was fired. Weirdsville. The whole thing is weird and I'll be interested to see what Chris Harrison's blog says tomorrow as most reports are saying nothing happened and ABC is manufacturing the whole thing. Jake asks to be present when Chris tells the other girls. Rozlyn stays pretty much silent as she packs and hits the road.
Geez, we still have the rose ceremony to get through...
Chris tells the girls about Rozlyn, shock and amazement from the girls (and one of the girls starts crying, what the heck is that about?), now on to the rose ceremony! Please!!!
Finally!
Roses go to: Vienna (Sausages for the win!), Gia (swimsuit model, no surprise there), Tenley (awww, sweet as kittens!), Ella (the single mom sure Jake is destined to be her step-baby daddy), Valisha (I have no idea who she is, where has she been all this time?), Corrie (there is a Corrie! Did I spell her name right? Ah, whatever), Jessie (I think that's her name), Ashleigh (of the teeny bikini), MICHELLE?! COME ON JAKE YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! *ahem* and the last rose goes to Kathryn.
No roses for Ashley and Christina...Ashley handles it pretty well but Christina cries and gives the whole "there's girls that are not here for the right reasons" reject speech. So long Ashley and Christina! Good luck with your sad, lonely lives as you will never meet a man as perfect as Jake. Nah, just kidding though I am surprised by his choices...
The previews for next week predict even more drama so stay tuned as we embark on "this journey" together!
Are you watching The Bachelor? What are your thoughts?
When I found out that the decision of who the new Bachelor would be was between Reid (boring), Kiptyn (more boring) and Jake (oh dear Lord boring), I could only hope ABC would go with someone completely new and (hopefully) interesting.
Nah, they just went with Jake the airline pilot who Jillian cut lose mid season during the last Bachelorette. Jake is a "nice guy" and while I am 100% pro-nice guy, let's face it, they do not make for good reality TV. Plus, I found him just plain bo-ring. All I could hope for would be that ABC would pick some crazy B's to chase after Jake and liven things up a bit.
I love when ABC listens to me...
Wait, let me back up a bit. Welcome to The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love! Why oh why they feel the need to subtitle this show I'll never know. First of all, it's total cheeseball. Second, it messes up my DVR because it's set to record The Bachelor (no subtitle) and I have to reprogram it to record The Bachelor (subtitle). Bah. Anyhoo, we get a look back at Jake's Journey with Jillian on The Bachelorette and Jake's voice over tells us, "Nice guys finish last. That's the story of my life." Dude, listen: it's BORING guys finish last, not nice. Total difference between "nice" and "zzzzzzzzz" and while yes, you are quite the pretty eye candy you're also pretty vanilla and the ladies need a little pepper on their potatoes, get it?
Where was I? Oh yes, the recap that's already gone on too long. Less than one minute into the show and Jake is shirtless. Again and again and again and again. We're also treated to this little gem from Jake: "Love is perfect, it endures." Uh, has he ever seen the show? Going on 20 seasons between the Bachelor/Bachelorette and there's one marriage all together. Love is far from perfect, especially on reality TV. That being said, were I single and hot and had a network offering me a show and flying me all over the place to find love, yeah I'd be there in a hot minute. :P
So then we get into Jake's love of aircraft and please oh please tell me they're going to tie this into a love comparison while an instrumental version of "On The Wings of Love" plays in the background?!?! Wait for it....wait for it...Yup, there it is!
Just in case you're new to 80's craptastic ballads - here is the 1982 song this esteemed show is named after:
Freakin' awesome! Oh, and check out this totally awesome shot of Jake on a motorcycle at sunset and THEN they add a totally computer generated plane taking off in the background. Holy crap I love this show, I cannot wait to see what else they have for me!
Oh nuts, they're doing the whole "Meet the Bachelorettes in Their Home Environment" time filler. BOO! Blah blah blah. First up is Ali (Blonde #1) who mentions she had been put on the back burner by an ex-boyfriend because he got into video games. I instantly despise her. But then she talks about how her ex cheated on her with her roommate so now I feel kinda bad....
Next up is Alexa (Blonde #2) and she's a "total adrenaline junkie". Wait, are they going to do this for all 25 bachelorettes?! Holy geez...must not press fast forward...must not press fast forward...Listen, I'm totally not interested in who these girls actually are until they're down to about 10. There's just too freakin' many and they all blur together during the first couple of episodes...
I'll spare y'all from all this, just know that among the 25 are about 10 professional models and dancers with a couple of "nice girls" thrown in for good measure. I can already tell, there will be tears and as the intro told me "the claws will come out".
Back from commercial break: Jake in the shower. For the love of...
Anyway once he puts his clothes back on, he meets Chris Harrison out front of "The House" which was used for Brad's, DeAnna's, Jason's and Jillian's seasons respectively. I so wish I was the owner of this house, I would be raking in the cash on these Bachelor rentals!
Now onto the totally awkward first meetings including a chick that gives Jake a peacock feather, another that asks him if he has registered those "guns" (his arms...gross!) and a poor girl who wore what can only be described as a purple tutu. These are seriously hard to watch as each girl has a more horrid joke and/or come on than the girl before her with pilot/flying puns galore *cringe* Bleck.
Oh thank God that's over.
Wait, the pain isn't over yet. After one of the girls dresses up as a sexy co-pilot, another calls her desperate and then proceeds to break out a football and they all kick off their heels to have an impromptu football game. Then Chris shows up with the dreaded "First Impression Rose". It's when Michelle tell us that she will "die if I do not get the first impression rose" that I realize we have our first girl that's going home! Anyone knows that saying any thing like that is the kiss of death. Mark my words...
And here we are 1 hour and 15 minutes into the first episode and we've got tears people! Our fabulous little wannabe wife Michelle (see previous paragraph) is upset that Jake is talking to other girls. ABC starts playing the crazy stalker music and she approaches Jake...it is ON people! She tells him that she's here to fall in love with him and get married. eep. Send her home Jake!
Oh wait, here's Chris again and he's not alone. Jillian and Ed are here to help Jake separate the goats from the sheep as it were...(P.S.-Jillian is wearing a disco ball dress as bright as the sun. Awesome!) So they start interviewing the girls and our dear sweet Michelle spends her time with them talking about how long she waited for her alone time with Jake. Sheesh...
Anyway, talking talking talking, crazy crazy crazym yada yada yada and now it's time for the very first rose ceremony. Some predictable picks, some girls got through that you know won't last very long and then the last rose goes to....MICHELLE! dun dun DUN! Yikes!
All in all, not bad for a first episode although I'm still not convinced Jake can carry a Bachelor season. Luckily ABC thought of this and has given us potentially the craziest girls ever so I'll reserve judgment for the time being. Also, the previews for the coming season seem to include a scandal of epic Rose proportions, one of the gals seems to have "relations" with a crew member on the show. Spit take!
If you want my opinion, he's trying his darndest to make Tenley as exciting as Vienna and that just ain't going to happen. His whole family says how great and perfect they are as a couple. Tenley's so perfect, Jake's so perfect, they're so perfect together and all I can hear in my head is the crowd chanting, "Kiss of death! Kiss of death! Kiss of death!"
They spend some further time alone and Vienna is all scared of losing Jake. No time for that now, it's time to be bored with Tenley's date with Jake. I fast forwarded through most of this part. I can tell you this much: Jake is SO not into her. Throughout this whole season, the one thing Jake sucked at was hiding his true feelings. And now with Tenley, he's feeling squat and boy does it show. Luckily he's a quick enough thinker to tell Tenley he's "tired".
