Monday, February 22, 2010

The Bachelor: On the Wings of Dry Heaving

Hello everyone and welcome to The Bachelor: The Women Tell All special recap! Just in case you don't know, every season of The Bachelor/Bachelorette has a reunion special the week before the finale. They used to bring everyone back except for the Final Two but then they wised up and realized that we could care less about the rejects that were kicked out on their butts in the first episode so now they just bring back the (theoretically) most interesting folks out of the bunch along with our Bachelor or Bachelorette.

Now, I have to say for my part that most of the time, these Tell All things turn out to be a bunch of Tell Nothing and they are pretty boring. But recently they've added bloopers and I love a good fall or boom mike hitting someone in the head so I keep watching. Plus, we got this from Chris Harrison's Twitter earlier today:
Oh they do, do they? Well, we'll just see...But first, I'm sure they're going to bore me with an entire season recap complete with a little recap of when Jake was on Jillian's season right? I've seen all the episodes ABC! If someone needs to see this recap, they really should just not be watching. Anyway, let's start the episode...

Okay, so I'm 1 minute into the episode where they've shown the previews for what I am about to watch (huh?) and I can already tell you 5 things:

1. Rozlyn did not brush her hair.
2. Jake got dressed in the dark.
3. These girls are "Mean" like those popular snotty girls you knew in high school, they are spray tan abusers and all cry too friggin' much.
4. Chris called Rozlyn's alleged inappropriate relationship the "most shocking television scandal of 2010". Huh? He knows we're just now getting through February of 2010, right? Dude, we have like 10 more months of 2010 to go...
5. Right now the thing I'm most excited about is showing you what Jake is wearing.

Also, I have to admit right now that I'm probably going to fast forward through most of this episode. I hate confrontation y'all and can't stand to see people fight. Or I may just get really bored, it's too early to tell...

Anyway, here comes the recaps...ugh. I'll spare you. Since we've already seen it all, I've blogged about it all...Bah. Luckily after a while it started to sound like those teachers on Charlie Brown and I just started making up my own dialogue...
They talk about jumping off the bridge with Vienna, Elizabeth the Nanny's art of the tease, fortune cookie hilarity (not) with Tenley and Ali leaving. Chris asks Jake what it's going to be like when he see Ali at the Women Tell All. Wha? My question is why the heck they just don't show us instead asking such a stupid question. Show us already!!! Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Back from commercial and we're treated to an update on some past Bachelor/Bachelorette cast members making out. Actually they're reunions but they spend a large amount of time making us watch these cast offs give mono to each other. Yerk. There's a couple of girls from Lorenzo's season which was the the biggest BORE in Bachelor history. Then they show Gwen from Aaron's season (season 2) and she is still single. Awwww, I miss Gwen! I want her to be the next Bachelorette! I love her!
Seriously though, these past contestants are total horn dogs. Where are their mothers?! Ugh this is so gross. It's like watching an episode of Flavor of Love except less hair pulling and pooping on the stairs. Holy crow, let's move along to something else PLEASE! Don't believe me? I'm pretty sure this isn't just a rash but oh how I wish it were:
Have I told you yet that I'm only 20 minutes into the episode? Help!

Oh geez, now we gotta watch these people "giving back"? Didn't they already do that in the hot tub? Now we have to watch them doing charity work, great. I'm all for serving your community but come ON! At least they're doing something worthwhile in between swapping partners...This is seriously mind numbing.

Looks like we're moving on to this season's dramatic broo-ha-ha. FINALLY! Quite a few of the girls are there and the first question from Chris goes to Jessie. You know, the girl who got to talk to Jake all of 5 minutes? Yeah and her answer is just as exciting as you would imagine. Oh gross, now we have to watch Jake in the shower again. Really? Then they jump right into flashbacks of Rozlyn bashing, Michelle craziness, Vienna hating and Gia saying that "Tenley sh*ts rainbows" which is freakin' hilarious and the best thing said all season long. That needs to be on a t-shirt.

Chris asks everyone why they hated Vienna so much. Ella says that she's 23 and immature. Gia defends her and is wearing a sparkly dress so I am declaring it right now: Gia is awesome and I adore her. Chris then gets on Elizabeth (metaphorically speaking) about her teasing Jake. She agreed that she is stupid. Chris then brings up the "10,000 pound elephant in the room": Rozlyn. All the girls immediately say that they witnessed all sorts of "inappropriate" things between Roz and the producer. They were "so uncomfortable" with it all and Jessie says that she saw them on the stairs kissing. Wow, Jessie's getting more screen time tonight than she ever has like...ever. Anyway, lots of "Oh I saw something!" going on. Whatever.

Gia's first up in the "hotseat" and I fast forwarded through her flashback "journey". Seen it, blogged it hello! Still sad though, I want to give my BFF sparkly Gia a hug. Awww. ... Okay, let's move on!

Michelle's next up in the hotseat and this poor thing. Listen, I know she's all kinds of girl-type crazy but at least she didn't join in with Mean Girl Ali's toast to being mean to Vienna on the group date. That made me respect her a lot despite know. She does her best to hold up under the pressure of Chris' questions and the girls hatin'. And of course Ali has to butt in like a big ole buttinski with her two worthless cents. Then Valisha says something and I'm all like, "Who are you anyway? And again, why does your occupation say homemaker"?

Oh crap, now it's Ali's turn. I'm not sure I'm able to properly express how much I dislike this girl. And the fact that we're probably going to be stuck with her as the next Bachelorette just makes it worse. Ugh. She's all crying and stuff about leaving early. Whatever. I bet you'll quit your all important job in a hot minute if they offer you The Bachelorette, stupid Mean Girl. Chris points out that she chose her job over Jake and she gives some crap about how she buries herself in work when she's "scared" and didn't want to get her heart broken. THEN DON'T GO ON TV TO FIND LOVE YOU BOOB. I am so over her. Then she says some other crap about how "our life is measured by the risks we take". *dry heave* God, please don't let them pick her as the next Bachelorette!

Then she starts to defend Vienna and apologizes for being mean to her. She says that Vienna is getting trashed in the tabloids and no one deserves that. Way to back track sweetie. We get it, you want to be nice now so they'll give you a show, whatever. And then she says that she'll pick love over a job next time. *insert eye roll here* Gimme a W! Gimme a H! Gimme an A! Oh forget it, I'm trying to spell out "whatever" but that's going to take too long...

So now we're on to Rozlyn and you know they are going to blast her to kingdom come. They show some roadie guiding Rozlyn to the stage like she's some sort of criminal. For Pete's sake, it would have been more subtle to carry her onstage strapped to a dolly like in Silence of the Lambs. They go through the time line of all the inappropriateness and stuff. She denies that anything physical ever happened. She says that the show wouldn't let her call her son. It gets bad, they start to argue, Chris says something about unicorns and magicians and the audience laughs and claps like hyenas.

Christina says Rozlyn was touching the producer's thigh, Jessie tells her about seeing them make out on the stairs and Rozlyn swears on her child's life that never happened. Blahblahblahblahblah Chris finally interrupts and asks whether or not Rozlyn slept in her room or on the couch. Listen, it's just a bunch of girl fight crap. Chris is being extremely douchy and snarky. I get it but whatever. Rozlyn is still denying that anything physical ever happened and gets douchy and snarky right back at Chris. My final thought: she was stupid for going back on the show. No way were they ever going to give her a fair chance to explain herself.

Wait, isn't this show suppose to be about finding love? Let's move on already!

Oh right, they haven't even brought Jake out yet...dear Lord this is dragging...Oh wait, y'all gotta see what this goob is wearing! I could do a whole post on Jake's fashion sense (or major lack thereof).
It takes him about 5 seconds before he uses the word "journey" and then he says that while he was letting Gia go his "heart was crying". *vomit* You are such a girl. He recounts Ali's job B.S. and they try to make it look like they're star-crossed lovers or something. Pu-lease.

They then talk about the 2 on 1 date where he sent Ella and Kathryn home. Kathryn says that she doesn't think that Jake gave her a fair chance and she all opened up to him and stuff and I'm thinking, "What? He like talked to you about as much as he talked to Jessie. I would have went home by choice at that point you weirdo." Chris takes yet another shot at Michelle and we FINALLY get to the good stuff: bloopers.

Is it bad that I laugh when people get hurt? I mean, I don't laugh if they're really hurt, but come on, it's funny. I laugh when I get hurt so I figure it all balances out. Anyway, the bloopers were okay.

They move on and Chris asks if Jake is happy with his decision, then we get a flashback of the two remaining girls and...fade to black.

So there it is and now we're barrelling towards the finale next week. My final thought on what will happen: Tenley is the girl Jake should pick, Vienna is the girl he will pick. Done and done.

By the way, here's some upcoming Bachelor goodness:

-There's a new series starting at some point called "Bachelor Pad". Apparently it's going to be a Big Brother type reality show with past contestants.

-Jason and Molly are getting married and it will be televised on March 8th at 8:00 EST.

-There's a Bachelor 20/20 special on March 15th at 8:00

And yes, I will be blogging it all! :D

So what are your thoughts on tonight's Women Tell All? What will happen next week on the finale?


Liway said...

LOL!!! Maggi - still lovin' your reviews - even though I haven't watched an episode!!! I did see "the dance" on some recap show though ...and totally cracked up!!

So um....your SUSHI mobile....completely ROCKS!!!! I hope you win (you should).... Great job!!! :)

Anonymous said...

this was hysterical! I'm so glad you recapped this. I love Gwen too and I want her to be the Bachelorette. I think they showed her last year and Aaron too, he admitted that he should have picked her. DUH. Anyhoo, I want to watch Jason and Molly get married. I'm the only person in the world who thinks he made the right decision. I admit that he did it poorly, but he made the right decision. I don't like Melissa Rycroft anyway.

Julie Tucker-Wolek said...

u are soooooooooooooooooo funny!!! love this! :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

Yellow House Knits said...

Great recap! I thought the "ladies'" comments about Tenley were hysterical! That she fell out of a Disney movie, ----s rainbows, and dreams in cartoons. It seemed to be a perfect characterization!

Anonymous said...

I seriously feel that Rozlyn needs psychiatric help. Maybe Jake will choose the easy way out like a few seasons ago and not pick either one, then his free little heart can go back to Ali! Why oh why do I insist on watching these shows?

Nora Johnson said...

Hi Maggi!

You are so funny! hehe! Pity can't get this show over here :(

Thanks so much for yr lovely comment - glad you liked the bags though you'd need to be married to george to afford them!

Have a great week!

xx LOLA:)

Carmen said...

Oh I would so buy that t-shirt! *g* Looking forward to your finale recap BIG time. Must make sure I have no drinkies close at hand or supping at time though!

Danielle said...

Oh my Goodness!!! How in the world have I made it without reading your blog???? I watched the Women Tell All, but personally, your commentary was so much better :) This is will now be a daily stop for me! Take care.

Jocelyn said...

Love this recap and I agree...he picks Vienna...I just know it....poor Tenley but then again could you live with this real live Disney Character everyday...does she ever stop witht he fairy dust and life is perfect....except for MY EX HUSBAND!!! I was LMAO with this whole episode....and Yes Ali is going to be the next just know it!!

Thanks for sharing with us...I look forward to Tuesday morning with you!!! :-)

BaronessVonVintage said...

hahaha....this was the juiciest train wreck of an episode EVER. LOVED your play by play!

sPaRkLiNg sCrApBoOkS said...

Oh Maggs!lol lol lol
I thought the SAME thing about Chris. He was being a douch. Roz should have never went back on the show, WTH was she thinking? Isn't that producer married, the girl CANT admit to anything! There's probably a custody battle going on in that family now! Who the HELL IS is that homemaker, she was irritating! Wes, how did I miss those marks on his back! lol He's such a sleezebag, and yet I think he's hysterical! Michelle was slammed pretty hard. Gia was like the only normal, classy one there. OMG I do remember Gwen, I loved her back then! I'm glad Jason & Molly are getting married! So the guy made a mistake and picked the wrong girl, um, they only dated for a few 'hours, so I can forgive him! lol @ Jake's wardrobe, after seeing that, maybe he's not gay afterall! lol ALl that and Jake's on for like 2 seconds. Where was the audience questions this time? Why didn't Jake sit on the couch with Gia or Ali, it was very impersonal. I'm holding out for hope that Jake picks none of them. xOxO

Couture Millinery Atelier. said...

I KNEW! that I can visit your Blog and read the greatest coverage ever!!!! Great way to start my morning. I laughed so hard, I think I sacred my dog.:-))))))

Brenda said...

hope it is ok I put a post on my 365 days of joy blog to send the girls here to read your recap!!
I LOVE your recap....last night sure was sonething!!!

Lisa Howard said...

Totally agree with your fantastic recounting of last nights episode and of your prediction of the final choice. But I have a question for you. Did you get the feeling ABC is either trying to mislead us (not like they wouldn't for dramatic effect) or this is really the case but it seems he picks neither. They avoided the "Have you found love?" questions and Jake def avoided the "I've found the one for me...I've found my wife...blah, blah, blah". As much as he talked all season about "finding a wife", I thought he might elude to that last night. Who knows. Seems he didn't seem all that excited about the outcome. KWIM? Then again, it could have just been me. LOL!

Amanda said...

I love your Bach recaps.

I just really and truly wanted Ali, at the end of all that drama and backtracking and crying, to say that she would have made that same choice again (choosing a job over love) ESP since she just finished saying how she's all about women having a career. I mean love is great, but in this market? You're stupid if you leave your job for a 50/50 chance at being somebody's wife.


you are so funny girl , I love it.
I guess I should watch this more . I seem hooked on the MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER though. It's a crazy show but guess that is good. Hope your staying warm !

Amanda @ Serenity Now said...

Omg...this was a GREAT recap!! I had totally forgotten about Gwen. She was such a sweetheart.

I think Gia should be the next Bachelorette, NOT Ali. Bleh.

I'm pulling for Tenley, but don't know who he'll pick.

Clare said...

I don't know whether Roslyn is telling the truth or not because some of the girls didn't have any comment about what they may have seen until last nights show. I feel like she was hit with a scene out of a mob movie and that Chris was snarky and a jerk. It did not make her look good but I had to give her a little cheer for coming back with the New Zealand comment. Did you notice how sad Jake looked. He looked incredibly bummed. I think it was bizarre of him to start saying that he regretted not giving Christina any attention. If he was happy with Vienna surely he wouldn't have said that.

itswhatwewant said...

wow that was one lengthy review but i enjoyed it! (the review of course, not much on the show :p) i didn't like how rozlyn just won't answer the question straight up. she even had to go and say something bad about Chris, which is just a lame way of diverting the attention off of her scandal. and of course i wasn't surprised that most of the women kept saying they fell in love etc, etc and appear to be nice gals so they can be the next bachelorette. i mean sure why not. might as well make use of what's left of your 15mins of fame to extend it even more :p

B Sparkly said...

Happy SITS day! I'm now following your blog:) When you have a moment stop for a visit at my blog if you like. See you soon.

B Sparkly said...

Happy SITS day! I'm now following your blog:) When you have a moment stop for a visit at my blog if you like. See you soon.

Annie @ astonesthrowfrominsanity said...

Hey! Stopping by from SITS. Although I do not watch the Bachelor, I thought your reviews and commentary were too much! Loved them. :)

laterg8r said...

jake is a total girl, the whole show made me gag and i tired quickly of the recaps too!!!

i agree that ali is angling to be the next bachelorette and i hope she doesn't get it!

bloopers good, why not just an hour of that?????

Sally said...

On the wings of dry heaving. HAHAHAHA I LOVE it!! :)

Anonymous said...

This post was too much fun! I attempt to do my own Bachelor blogging but it's not near as funny as yours. ;)
I agree with your synopsis and character analysis 100%. Ali's a stupid Mean Girl, Gia's adorable, Tenley should be chosen, Vienna's just weird, and I throw a little more contempt in the direction of Rauncy Rozzie just for good measure.
And Jake? What a joke. Ick.
I'll be back to catch your thoughts on tonight's show.