The Bachelor: On The Wings of Awkwardness

When I found out that the decision of who the new Bachelor would be was between Reid (boring), Kiptyn (more boring) and Jake (oh dear Lord boring), I could only hope ABC would go with someone completely new and (hopefully) interesting.

Nah, they just went with Jake the airline pilot who Jillian cut lose mid season during the last Bachelorette. Jake is a "nice guy" and while I am 100% pro-nice guy, let's face it, they do not make for good reality TV. Plus, I found him just plain bo-ring. All I could hope for would be that ABC would pick some crazy B's to chase after Jake and liven things up a bit.

I love when ABC listens to me...

Wait, let me back up a bit. Welcome to The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love! Why oh why they feel the need to subtitle this show I'll never know. First of all, it's total cheeseball. Second, it messes up my DVR because it's set to record The Bachelor (no subtitle) and I have to reprogram it to record The Bachelor (subtitle). Bah. Anyhoo, we get a look back at Jake's Journey with Jillian on The Bachelorette and Jake's voice over tells us, "Nice guys finish last. That's the story of my life." Dude, listen: it's BORING guys finish last, not nice. Total difference between "nice" and "zzzzzzzzz" and while yes, you are quite the pretty eye candy you're also pretty vanilla and the ladies need a little pepper on their potatoes, get it?

Where was I? Oh yes, the recap that's already gone on too long. Less than one minute into the show and Jake is shirtless. Again and again and again and again. We're also treated to this little gem from Jake: "Love is perfect, it endures." Uh, has he ever seen the show? Going on 20 seasons between the Bachelor/Bachelorette and there's one marriage all together. Love is far from perfect, especially on reality TV. That being said, were I single and hot and had a network offering me a show and flying me all over the place to find love, yeah I'd be there in a hot minute. :P

So then we get into Jake's love of aircraft and please oh please tell me they're going to tie this into a love comparison while an instrumental version of "On The Wings of Love" plays in the background?!?! Wait for it....wait for it...Yup, there it is!

Just in case you're new to 80's craptastic ballads - here is the 1982 song this esteemed show is named after:



Freakin' awesome! Oh, and check out this totally awesome shot of Jake on a motorcycle at sunset and THEN they add a totally computer generated plane taking off in the background. Holy crap I love this show, I cannot wait to see what else they have for me!



Oh nuts, they're doing the whole "Meet the Bachelorettes in Their Home Environment" time filler. BOO! Blah blah blah. First up is Ali (Blonde #1) who mentions she had been put on the back burner by an ex-boyfriend because he got into video games. I instantly despise her. But then she talks about how her ex cheated on her with her roommate so now I feel kinda bad....

Next up is Alexa (Blonde #2) and she's a "total adrenaline junkie". Wait, are they going to do this for all 25 bachelorettes?! Holy geez...must not press fast forward...must not press fast forward...Listen, I'm totally not interested in who these girls actually are until they're down to about 10. There's just too freakin' many and they all blur together during the first couple of episodes...

I'll spare y'all from all this, just know that among the 25 are about 10 professional models and dancers with a couple of "nice girls" thrown in for good measure. I can already tell, there will be tears and as the intro told me "the claws will come out".

Back from commercial break: Jake in the shower. For the love of...

Anyway once he puts his clothes back on, he meets Chris Harrison out front of "The House" which was used for Brad's, DeAnna's, Jason's and Jillian's seasons respectively. I so wish I was the owner of this house, I would be raking in the cash on these Bachelor rentals!

Now onto the totally awkward first meetings including a chick that gives Jake a peacock feather, another that asks him if he has registered those "guns" (his arms...gross!) and a poor girl who wore what can only be described as a purple tutu. These are seriously hard to watch as each girl has a more horrid joke and/or come on than the girl before her with pilot/flying puns galore *cringe* Bleck.

Oh thank God that's over.

Wait, the pain isn't over yet. After one of the girls dresses up as a sexy co-pilot, another calls her desperate and then proceeds to break out a football and they all kick off their heels to have an impromptu football game. Then Chris shows up with the dreaded "First Impression Rose". It's when Michelle tell us that she will "die if I do not get the first impression rose" that I realize we have our first girl that's going home! Anyone knows that saying any thing like that is the kiss of death. Mark my words...

And here we are 1 hour and 15 minutes into the first episode and we've got tears people! Our fabulous little wannabe wife Michelle (see previous paragraph) is upset that Jake is talking to other girls. ABC starts playing the crazy stalker music and she approaches Jake...it is ON people! She tells him that she's here to fall in love with him and get married. eep. Send her home Jake!

Oh wait, here's Chris again and he's not alone. Jillian and Ed are here to help Jake separate the goats from the sheep as it were...(P.S.-Jillian is wearing a disco ball dress as bright as the sun. Awesome!) So they start interviewing the girls and our dear sweet Michelle spends her time with them talking about how long she waited for her alone time with Jake. Sheesh...

Anyway, talking talking talking, crazy crazy crazym yada yada yada and now it's time for the very first rose ceremony. Some predictable picks, some girls got through that you know won't last very long and then the last rose goes to....MICHELLE! dun dun DUN! Yikes!

All in all, not bad for a first episode although I'm still not convinced Jake can carry a Bachelor season. Luckily ABC thought of this and has given us potentially the craziest girls ever so I'll reserve judgment for the time being. Also, the previews for the coming season seem to include a scandal of epic Rose proportions, one of the gals seems to have "relations" with a crew member on the show. Spit take!

That's all from me, be sure to check out Chris Harrison's blog on the first episode....

Was anyone else watching last night?