The Bachelor: On the Wings of Boredom

Well here we are, back for some more drama (and theoretical love) from our squeaky clean Bachelor Jake. It's the Battle of the Blondes (and Gia) and these girls are taking no prisoners. Sort of, I guess...listen, the real competition is between Vienna, Ali and Tenly. Corrie and Gia might as well go home now, they ain't gettin' picked in the end.

But let's back up. The crowd heads off to San Francisco. Vienna thanks her lucky stars that they are no longer roughing it and she can be treated like a princess. Although how you can feel like a princess while sharing a suite with 4 other girls is beyond me. Anyway, Jake leaves the first date card with them and Tenley is the lucky recipient of a one on one date. She also becomes the first (I think) of the girls to say how this has "become real". As real as any relationship can be while surrounded by cameras anyway.

Jake and Tenley hop a trolley and talk about how much they like Rice-a-Roni. Okay, they don't talk about delicious processed rice product but they trolley off to Chinatown to window shop and play with hats and fake Samurai swords. They then write their own fortunes for their fortune cookies "to be read later". I'm pretty sure Jake's to Tenley says, "You will be unlucky in love."

Back at the suite, the drama llamas are sitting around talking about what will happen on Tenley's date when the next date card arrives and Corrie tells them that it's a two on one date with....wait for it...Ali and Vienna. They both throw up in their mouths a little bit when Corrie says "Sike!" and tells them the date is really for Gia and Vienna. (Wow, you are like so funny Corrie) Vienna calls Ali out for freaking out and saying things about her at the last rose ceremony and Ali hems and haws until finally mumbling something about everyone making mistakes and having faults. Whatever.

Meanwhile on my couch:

Husband: "I hate that chick."

Me: "Which one?"

Husband: "The mean one."

Me: "Which one?"

Husband: "The one that looks like she's from The View"

Me: "Which one?"

Husband: "The blonde one... wait, nevermind."

Meanwhile, back on the show Vienna and Ali snip at each other a little more before Vienna walks off to pick out her most bootilicious outfit for her date. Cut back to Tenley and Jake, they have dinner in a tower and Jake says he "has a table for two set up". Jake, once again, we do not believe that you set this date up. Not what y'all did, not the table, not what was served. Nada. Anyway, Jake asks Tenley what mistakes she made in her first marriage that she wouldn't make the second time. She gives some blahblah about how she'll greet her next husband at the door or something like that. Cue awkward pause. Cut to nervous giggles (from both mind you) then Tenley giggly asks, "Where did that come from?" to which Jake responds, "From the heart." B-a-r-f. These two make me as nauseated as that Tanyalee couple from eHarmony. Almost.

Tenley asks Jake what his expectations are for his partner and his marriage. He says he expects his wife to always "have his back" (I guess in case of bar fights?) and something about marriage not being perfect but love always will be (perfect). *dry heave* Tenley asks him about cheating, he says he'll never cheat and Tenley pees herself a little. Then they kiss and open up their handwritten fortune cookies. Jake wrote "Kiss me". Tenley wrote "Kiss me". Jake chortles his fake ole laugh, Tenley blushes. Cue the piano version of "On the Wings of Love" and I swear, I'm about to puke all over myself. Dear Lord, in Your infinite wisdom, please make this date end! Commercial break! Please go to commercial!!!!!

Finally! So now it's Gia and Vienna's turn at Jake and before the girls arrive Jake confesses to being nervous to being on a date with two girls (yeah, cause the last time you did it you sent both packing and we have to watch the whole dramatic rose burning thing. Remember?)
Luckily there's no rose on this date but Jake is still sweating because being on a date with two women is "almost awkward". Almost? Really? Just "almost"? And just where are these crazy lovebirds going? A vineyard, yay! Wait, what? Didn't they just finish camping out at a vineyard? Way to splurge ABC! Gia begins the date by being the third wheel. Meanwhile back at the suite, Ali's all freaking out that Vienna may be talking about her to Jake (whatever) and Tenley thinks maybe Jake took them on the 2 on 1 date to try and decide between the two of them. Again, they are operating under the delusion that Jake gets to decide any of this stuff, like who gets to go on dates and where they go.

Vienna does the stupid thing and brings up how bratty Ali was being after the last rose ceremony. Jake gives a whole, "I don't care what anyone thinks" speech but please, once one of these girls goes off on him, he's bound to pee himself. Jake mentions to us that he's trying to split his attention between the two girls but he's failing miserably. (Well duh) So he takes Gia away from some one on one time while Vienna pouts about being left alone with Gia's salmon.

Can I interject here? Something has been bugging me about Jake and this whole season and I think I've nailed it: Jake is waaaaaaaay to nice to be The Bachelor. See, the past Bachelors have all been nice in their own way but let's be honest: they all have a touch of the douche to them. And I think that trying to balance 25 chicks at once, quite frankly you have to be a little tool-ish otherwise you don't have enough confidence to pull it off. And therein lies the problem with Jake. He seems like a 100% genuinely nice guy and while he definitely deserves to find the love of his life, making us watch it is awkward, cringe-inducing and BO-RING. There! I said it!

Okay, where were we? Oh right, Jake and Gia's alone time. Gia gives the whole "I've never dated a guy who was dating all these other girls, I don't feel special" speech that at least one girl EVERY season gives. Then Jake the Nice Guy makes the classic Bachelor Blunder: he tells Gia that he's falling for her. DUMB dumb DUMB dumb! She is SO going to be bringing that up during her bitter couch time with Chris on the reunion special. What a dope.

Anyway, Vienna's had enough and she goes off to interrupt them only to get lost in the winery catacombs. hahahahahahaha She finally finds them and takes Jake away. What follows are delightful awkward pauses (seriously, is he into any of these chicks for real?) and Jake finally pulls a question out of his butt, "What would married life be like?" and Vienna says, AND I QUOTE, "When I get married, I want it to be like we're little 6 year kids in love every single day." Yep, six year old kids. She tells him she's falling for him to which he responds, "Really? heh heh heh" Vienna follows up by saying, "I don't want to share you anymore" and Jake says (totally deadpan mind you), "I know, this is a crazy crazy adventure, isn't it?" Huh? What? Uh, does he even want to be there? Can we PLEASE get someone interesting in here? It's not like the girls will care, they'll just fall all over the new guy. Please?

Jake takes the girls to their room and awkwardly tells them good night. Vienna gets all insecure and decides that she's going to crash Jake's room. Gia thinks Vienna is digging her own grave and she's more than welcome to hand her a shovel. So anyway, Jake's all shirtless when Vienna walks in "sexy as Hell" (his words) with 2 glasses of wine. Jake is quick to tell us that everything was G rated. Jake basically kicked her out of his bed and back upstairs to Gia.

Corrie (who?) gets the next one on one date. Oh I bet this is just going to be so NOT boring. Corrie says she wants a guy that will persue her and chase her. Hmmmm...good thing you went on a show where you have to do the chasing then, huh Einstein? Jake takes her on a row boat in the park and I'm already bored. Then get this: Jake stands up in the boat, finally squats down and what follows is the most awkward silence in Bachelor history. Well, besides the large amount of nervous twittering from them. I just keep hoping Sebastian will show up and lead the local wildlife in a round of "Kiss the Girl".
For the love of... She's waiting for him to kiss her, he's waiting for her to kiss him. Sebastian never shows and we're finally put out of our misery when Jake says, "I'm about ready for dinner." Good night mama, this is ridiculous. Corrie is so going home...mark it. They next go to a closed science center. Thrilling. Jake tells Corrie what a "nice time" he's had so far. Corrie says she thinks his head was somewhere else. Jake tells her he's concerned that their relationship has moved really slow. I'll spare you the details, they talk about boring stuff until Corrie drops the bomb that she's a virgin. Jake pees himself and they kiss. Fade to black.

Jake comes to pick up Ali for their one on one date and since Ali is from good ole San Fran, their date is her showing him around "her city". Blah. They walk past a florist and Jake asks her what her favorite flower is ("I think daisy") and then shows her his favorite flower (uh...o-kay) and then Ali says, "I want you, you're my big flower." Oh come ON! Gross!

So far the most exciting part of this episode is the first look at Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland they show during a commercial break...AWESOME!!!!

Anyway, Ali and Jake are hitting it off and it's obvious she's going to be getting a rose. He asks her about the whole Vienna thing which she brushes off and says she's ready to let that go. Whatever. Then they kiss. I'm ready to move on to the rose ceremony now.

Jake comes up to their suite for the rose ceremony and after some semi-awkward alone time with each of the "ladies" we're ready to get this party started. Jake even says, "This rose ceremony's going to hurt." Please tell me that means someone's going to be bleeding by the end of this. Alas, he means emotionally hurt and three guesses as to who gets sent home. See ya Corrie!

So next week we'll be going home with Gia, Ali, Vienna and Tenley. And from the previews it looks like it will be the most...dramatic...rose ceremony...EVER. *gasp*

So that's it for me! Did you watch tonight's episode?