Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The Bachelor: On the Wings of Finally! I Mean Finale!

Well here we are: The Bachelor finale!!! Now the After the Final Rose special is showing right after the finale but I'm just going to talk about this episode in this post and will tackle the ATFR special later.

So now just who will Jakey-poo pick? You know, just watching the intro I can tell that Jake took Bachelor 101 before starting his run on the show. He knows exactly what to say including frequent use of the the key word "journey", he's mastered tortured looks off into the distance and sincerely saying he wants his parents' opinion when we all know he's going to totally ignore whatever they say and follow his heart...and by heart, I mean the one downstairs if you catch my drift.

He starts out trying to get his parents excited about meeting Vienna by telling them how much all the other girls hated her. Smooth move X-Lax. But before that blows up in his face, Tenley is first up to meet the folks. She tells us that she's going to be herself and that's all she can be. Which is great for her if they're looking for a Disney princess as a daughter-in-law.

Hey, you remember Jillian's problem with Jake? She accused him of being too perfect which made sense and now guess who Jake is accusing of being maybe "too good to be true". Bingo. Poor Tenley.

Anyway, Jake's mom asks Tenley about fighting with her sister because she wants to make sure that her daughters-in-law get along. Um...okay. I guess that's important when it comes to Jake's decision. Tenley answers her question by telling her about her cheating husband. Um...okay. I guess that's important when it comes to Jake's decision.

Listen, I'll spare you. They all get along and little animated birds sit on Tenley's shoulder as she perkily wins over the whole family. They all pee themselves (and cry) over Tenley and tell Jake to pick her. Did you really think anything else would happen? Again, Tenley is perfect for Jake. Which is exactly why he'll never pick her.

Jake's mom tells him that Tenley needs to see his goofy side which apparently entails them jumping into the pool. My, how spontaneous we are! Slow down you crazy nuts!
If you want my opinion, he's trying his darndest to make Tenley as exciting as Vienna and that just ain't going to happen. His whole family says how great and perfect they are as a couple. Tenley's so perfect, Jake's so perfect, they're so perfect together and all I can hear in my head is the crowd chanting, "Kiss of death! Kiss of death! Kiss of death!"

Moving right along, Vienna's turn to meet the newest people to hate her. She makes the best first impression possible by promptly telling his family how much the other girls hated her. Smooth move X-Lax, maybe you and Jake really are meant to be together. One of Jake's sisters-in-law tells us that she doesn't think Vienna was classy in the way she talked about the other girls. The other sister-in-law says how she thinks Vienna is confrontational. Listen, you know how this works: it's totally awkward and the family is not happy.

Jake's mom is more worried about her getting along with the sisters-in-law (What is up with that? Give it a rest already!) Mom's seeing red flags all over the place and basically tells Jake to "make the best decision he can", which in Mom Language means "Do not pick Vienna or I will kill you". Jake's all defensive and stuff. He tells us that it's pretty much a deal breaker if the woman he brings into the family doesn't get along. Whatever, I call B.S. Not falling for it ABC but nice try. And this may be picky of me but it's "daughters-in-law" not "daughter-in-laws". Everyone keeps saying "daughter-in-laws"!

In the end, the family gets all guilty for judging her and starts crying. Oh brother. Vienna wins them over and we're ready to get on to the rose ceremony right? Right?!

Crap, the last dates.

Vienna's up first and Jake tells us that they're going to an active volcano. Lucky for us he's not making an innuendo. Then he goes and says that he and Vienna can't keep their hands off each other. Gross! Fade to black! Fade to black! Think I'm kidding?
They spend some further time alone and Vienna is all scared of losing Jake. No time for that now, it's time to be bored with Tenley's date with Jake. I fast forwarded through most of this part. I can tell you this much: Jake is SO not into her. Throughout this whole season, the one thing Jake sucked at was hiding his true feelings. And now with Tenley, he's feeling squat and boy does it show. Luckily he's a quick enough thinker to tell Tenley he's "tired".

Jake then tells her that the "emotional" chemistry is there but he's worried that there's not enough "physical" chemistry to match it. He adds that by "physical" he does not mean "sexual". Tenley then asks, "Uh...what is physical chemistry if you don't mean sexual?" Exactly, good for you Tenley! I mean really Jake, you are such a dud. Just tell her she doesn't rock your casbah, go get Vienna and let's get on with this already!

But first they make us watch flashbacks and them all looking tortured and pensive. Jake looks at rings. Meh. I keep hoping Reid will show up and reveal his true feelings for Jillian. Wait...I think I just lapsed into The Bachelorette.

Anyhoo, rose ceremony: long story short: Told you so!

Short story long: Chris Harrison escorts the girls on the mile long hike they have to take to get to where Jake is waiting for them. Jake stumbles and stutters as he tells Tenley that he loves her and she's perfect but "something doesn't feel right" and he doesn't know why and then they both cry all over each other. Poor Tenley. She deserves Prince Eric not this stooge of a dork.

So yeah, he picks Vienna. There you have it! What are your thoughts on Jake's choice?

I'll be back at some point this week with my ATFR special recap, see you then!

EDIT: I'm back!

So yeah, I don't need a whole post for the ATFR special. Tenley cried, Jake and Vienna are happy, they made me watch them dance while Jeffrey Osborne came on the show to sing "On the Wings of Love" and they announced Ali as the next Bachelorette. Shoot me. How in the world they think Ali will be entertaining to watch as The Bachelorette is beyond me. I didn't think they could pick anyone more boring than Jake. SPEAKING OF WHICH, what the heck is up with putting him on Dancing with the Stars?! Tenley is an actual dancer, why not put her on? Bah!

Edit: Back again! Had to come and show you this spoof that was on Jimmy Kimmel last night, enjoy!

Sorry, me again! I had to include Kimmel's interview with Ali. Kudos to him for calling her on her B.S.

I still hate her. I also hate how she left "for work" and now she's trying to backtrack saying that she left because she was "scared". Whatever, that still won't make me like you as the Bachelorette you Mean Girl. Also, if she says one more time how if Jake really loved her he would have come after her and the show wouldn't have mattered, I'm going to kick her. The show is about you sticking around until he kicks you off not you leaving and expecting him to chase you when he's got a whole group of girls making out with him every time he turns around you idiot.

Okay, I think I'm officially done with this recap. Maybe...


Julie Moore said...

O my goodness! Not sure how I found you but you are hilarious! Thanks for summing it up exactly the way weI saw it! Next time we'll just read your blog and save all those painful hours of getting to the point! Thanks again for the insightful laughs! Julie & Carebear - Houston, Tx

Diana Meade said...

Maggi, I had to erase my comment six times cause I am waaaay too negative.

You said it much better: "Meh."

Mrs. B. said...

Puke. Vienna and Jake are both strange and I guess that means they deserve one another. Eh...don't care, and I'm glad the whole atrocity's over.
What a slap in the face that we have to watch rubber-faced Jake for another whole season of Reality Television on DWTS. Ish!
(I'm not nearly as into DWTS as I am into Bachelor...so I probably wont watch.)

sweet european dreams said...

Great post - this season was high drama at it's best. I actually cheated my way through it and read RealitySteve's blog - it kept me from screaming at the TV all season. Ali? Big disappointment. She didnt' even finish the season out and now she's the new bachelorette? boo...

Liway said...

Maggi - I gotta tell ya - this was my favorite Bachelor season ever....and I didn't watch ONE episode. I just came here for the hilarious recaps!!! You crack me up!! Thanks for saving me a whole bunch of time and frustration!! :) You're the BEST!! :)

Nora Johnson said...

So interesting, dear Maggi!

Hope you're having a great week too!


Julie Tucker-Wolek said...

u said "smooth move x-lax" twice...lol!!! no wonder i loveeeeeeeeeeeee u! :):):):):):):):):):):):)

Anonymous said...

I almost watched it, but I thought, nope! I'll wait for Maggi's recap!!! :-) I'm serious.

There's such a formula to The Bachelor...it's easy to predict how it will end and I rarely like who the guy chooses....this time I don't care since I think Jake is a cheeseball.

Jocelyn said...

OK,,,,here I am last night watching the show...knowing what was going to happen..but I cried!!! I really did cry because Tenley is so cute and adorable...BUT....JAKE I HOPE VIENNA Sticks it right up you A$$~~~ You deserve one another!!! OK..I sound really sick right now and....good luck Jake with dancing with the stars..I hope you fall down and split your pants!!! BLAH!!!!!!!!! I will never watch another one of these shows...and Vienna..take him to the bak and get a nose job!!! OOPS!! I better go...the ugly side of Jocelyn is coming out!!!

Bethany said...

I love your recaps so much that I'm using the last bit of battery on my iPod to read it. So worth it. It almost makes me wish that I had watched. Not really I would rather read the recap. :)

Heavenly Housewife said...

LOL I am loving your little edited pictures ;)
*kisses* HH

sPaRkLiNg sCrApBoOkS said...

OMG Maggi, you nailed it when you reminded us how Jillian told Jake he was too perfect, then low and behold, Tenley was too perfect for him. How's that for irony!
Come on guys, you KNOW opposites attract! Tenley is the perfect girl, and I thought FOR SURE she was the next dancer on my favorite show Dancing with the Stars. You could have pushed me off the chair when I saw it was Jake! OMG, WTH was that! Hey ABC, give Tenley the spotlight after her heart was ripped out. Maybe they did ask her and she turned it down, who knows. All I know is Jake is getting $250,000 for doing this show, so Vienna will be sticking around awhile! They're practically my neighbors, maybe JJ and I will run into them at dinner somewhere! lol xOxO

Brenda said...

Your re-cap is better than watching the real thing....Plus it didn't take 3 HOURS!!!I just knew he would pick her....but him Dancing with the Stars?
Are you going to be doing that show?

Karyn Bernard (French Charming) said...

Oh Maggi, who the heck is running ABC...fire them, pronto! Seriously this season of the Bachlewhore was so stupid, predictable, and BORING!

Thank goodness for your recaps this season...now that's entertainment and ABC should contact you, pronto!

Jake on dancing with the stars???....pffft! Trust me, he ain't got no moves!

Danielle said...

WOW! I love hearing you tell the story! I NEVER watched that show EVER, but I still love hearing the highlights from you!!

Sounds like I would have thrown up in my mouth if I did watch it!!

laterg8r said...

i missed it but you gave a great recap! i say booooooo to ali too!

Amanda @ Serenity Now said...

I just don't get it. Jake SEEMED like a classy guy...and at least his family got it. Vienna does not strike me a classy girl. Bleh. I don't see it at all. I give them until the summer. maybe.

Is he really going to be on DWTS?!!! Ew! They should have totally given the spot to Tenley. Now we'll have to look a Vienna and her extensions in the audience every week.

allyson joy said...

youre a riot miss maggi ~ i love all your rad photo comments and your two cents here and there!!! man, i wish i could sit at a table with you and have some coffee and you can entertain me with your halarious one liners!!!! thanks for a good laugh {as always}}

sPaRkLiNg sCrApBoOkS said...


I just watched the Jimmy Kimmel video clip of Jake at the donought shop, HAAAAAAAAA! JJ and I must have watched it 3 times! I love it when he says " Oh, that's naughty!" hahahaha
Did you see the Vienna one with the mud! OMG! I haven't laughed that hard in forever! That was good!

sPaRkLiNg sCrApBoOkS said...

omg, look how I spelled doughnut in the last post. Still laughing. Jake is growing on me again- you have to admit, that video was pretty damn funny!
Crap he's Mr Popular now isn't he!

Carmen said...

What am I going to do without these recaps now?? How long ago did you predict who would win? Kinda makes me think you should be a betting person! :P

Loved that doughnut video *g*

Duchess of Tea said...

Maggi darling, I popped in to personally thank you for the sweet birthday wishes you left for Christopher. We are both ever so grateful for you kindness.

Love & Hugs

The Bailey Family said...

Stopping by from SITS!

Jake makes me gag and Vienna needs to go back to brunette. I got real tired of looking at her roots.

And the "On the Wings of Love" dance during ATFR?? GAG ME! Please God, don't let them actually get married and make us watch a wedding where that is their theme song. (Because you know we all would totally watch. We would. lol)

Great recap! :)

Julie said...

Love your recap! I do one too and couldn't fathom writing one for the finale so I did Bachelor Oscars instead...stop by and check it out


Stopping by from SITS

PS: I'm totally there with you on Alli...I CANT STAND HER!

Momotics said...

I must say I was disappointed with his pick, but it suits him perfectly.

Stoppin' by from SITS!