Monday, January 25, 2010

The Bachelor: On the Wings of Big Cry Babies

Welcome to the fourth episode of The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love. Previously, on the third episode we saw Michelle go home mid date and Elizabeth tease her way out of the house. What shall happen tonight my fellow Bachelor fans? I mean, with girls being tossed out on their butts left and right, there's not much more they can do to entertain there? It looks like ABC is sure going to try as earlier today on Twitter, Chris Harrison (the host of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette) had this to say:

Oh really Mr. Harrison? Well, we'll just see about that...

Although the opening is pretty in your face: bleeped cussing, flowers on fire and Jake refusing to give out roses...hmmmm...I'm intrigued...

Let's dive right in, shall we?

So Chris shows up at the house and tells the gals that there will be one 1 on 1 date, one group date and one 2 on 1 date. He also informs the ladies that they are all being kicked out of the house...and on to a couple of RVs. Road trip! So in a flurry of squealing glee, the girls run out and Ali promptly crawls into the luggage compartment underneath the RV. Quick, lock it! Lock it up tight!

Apparently the girls aren't coming back to the house at all as the girls will be living in the RVs for a while and heading up the California coast. Oh this should be good. One thing for sure, I am so glad these girls are in motorized vehicles. Maybe now we'll get a rest from the painful plane and flying analogies and what not. I mean, come on...what can they about a stupid RV going down the...oh crap.

Ella: "I am ready to get my relationship with Jake rolling down the highway of love."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! How could you Ella?! How COULD you?!?! That's it, you've made the list!

Anyway, Corrie says, "OMG we're going to like be like the most dysfunctional like family on the highway." Okay fine, she didn't say "like" that many times but um hello Corrie. You are not a "family". You are one girl out of 9 who is competing for the "love" of one guy. Oh these girls...

So Jake meets them (on his motorcycle of course) in a vineyard where he has "set up a camp" (yeah dude, we totally believe you like pitched tents and stuff). The girls show up and Jake gives them the first date card. The one on one goes to...Gia the Swimsuit Model. We're treated to Jake shaving outdoors, putting his shirt on and reflecting on his upcoming date with Gia, "She's a city girl and this is a simple date in the middle of a vineyard. I want to see how she handles that." Dude, regardless of it being outdoors, you're still in a freakin' vineyard. It's not like you've got to be afraid of bear attacks or snakes or something.

So Gia suggests to Jake that they play hide and seek in the vineyard. (I'm sure the owners appreciate them tearing through their cash crop.) They then have a picnic and Gia tells Jake about how bullied she was in school (which makes him laugh for some reason) and then he tells her about how he was dateless in school. So for a while they go back and forth with the whole "I was a total nerd!" "I don't believe you, I was the nerd!" "No I was!" And they tie the whole thing up by playing Spin the Bottle. Seriously.

Okay, I have to interject here. Is it me, or has there really been no one that Jake seems 100% comfortable around? No way Gia is sticking around. Bah. Of course Gia gushes about how Jake's kiss is the best kiss of her life. Well, at least she'll have a recording of it to watch on those lonely nights after Jake kicks her off, right? So now they're snuggling around a fire and Jake is interested in how Gia will handle dinner because instead of a steak (what Jake thinks she's used to) they're having hot dogs and s'mores and Jake wants to see how "she'll handle it". Come on, seriously? What is the big freakin' deal about her being from the city? Whatever. Let's move on, this is soooooo boring.

Back at the ranch, the girls decide they want to holler out to Jake while he's on the date with Gia and proceed to howl. True class here people. The group date card comes and it's: Jessie, Ashleigh, Tenley, Ali, Vienna and Corrie. Which means Ella and Kathryn get the 2 on 1 date. They both promptly pee themselves as only one girl comes back from the 2 on 1 date (in theory).

Anyway, Jake and Gia are STILL on their date and I'm hoping he'll just give her the rose so we can move on. Gia's scared, wearing her heart on her sleeve, kisskiss, blahblahblah, Jake goes to get the rose her the rose. They kiss, she cries...meh. Wait a minute...that piano music sounds familiar...where have I heard it before? I think that I may...oh no they didn't! Sneaky little so and so's!

Nice try ABC but you can't sneak this past me! It's so painful! Argh! Actually, I guess it could be worse. Jake could be an ice cream truck driver and then we'd have to listen to "Pop Goes the Weasel" every episode...

Jake again comments about how he's impressed that a "complex city girl" can enjoy such a simple date. To sum up, they are camping out in a vineyard, it's not like they're on an episode of Survivorman for Pete's sake.

So now we're on the group date with Jessie, Ashleigh, Tenley, Ali, Vienna and Corrie. Jake meets them at Pismo Beach and they girls are already talking about who will get the rose. Ali talks about how she'll throw up if Vienna gets the rose and I would LOVE for that to actually happen! I believe there's only been one season of the Bachelor where one of the girls threw up and it was awesome. Anyhoo, Jake tells the girls that they need to be prepared to get "extremely dirty tee hee" (Jake is so clearly uncomfortable with double entendres). They drive dune buggies around which is okay I guess. )Anyone ever watch MST3k? "It's great for tearing up fragile ecosystems!") Then they "sand surf".

You know what's funny? Maybe driving a dune buggy and surfing down a sand mountain is what Jake should have used to test "Gia the Complex City Girl". Duh. They eat and then Jake wants everyone to roll down the hill. (He's carrying over from his 5th grade date with Gia apparently) Corrie is the only one that goes. Later they get all cleaned up and go to some fancy schmancy place. Jake says, "I love dirty girls! tee hee" Huh? Seriously dude, not your forte. Please stick to squeaky clean, that's all your good for I promise you.

The girls see their room and squeal about how "fairy tale" it is and Tenley celebrates by jumping on a leather couch in what looks to be a very expensive place. Are they 8 years old or something? This whole episode has been very Gymboree so far. I should wake Toot up and let her watch.

So the girls get all cleaned up, put on their most ho-ish dresses and tallest heels to meet Jake who is wearing jeans, a white t-shirt and a fleece. What the heck? Seriously, something is really starting to bug me about Jake.

Anyway, Jake takes Ashleigh for some one on one time and it is...awkward. Lots of pauses and bo-ring. Ashleigh says in her voice over that a lot of the girls are being very forward and it's coming across as desperate and she would never want to be seen that way. Um, what? Wasn't this the same girl that put on her bikini on the FIRST night to try and get Jake's attention? Yeah, you are SO not desperate sweetie. Jake looks mighty uncomfortable and it's clear he can't think of a darn thing to say. She says she thinks he should give her the rose and he admits to us that there's no chemistry there. Well duh.

They come back and Jake asks Vienna for one on one time and she asks if she can go last. This pisses Ali off, like it's her business or something and so she goes off with Jake. She starts talking about the roses and Jake says, "Um hello, I wanna enjoy this time with you not talk about the roses you freakin' weirdo." (I'm paraphrasing of course)

Tenley is next and Jake is concerned that she is still hung up on her ex-husband. She says no, they share a painful kiss (his head is in her lap and he tries to pull her head all the way down to him, basically folding her in half until he gives up and sits up. Moron.) So he then takes Vienna off and I'm confused. She asked to be last but we haven't seen him spend time with Jessie yet, have we?

Whatever, Jake tells Vienna that he thinks the stuff the girls are doing to her, she's bringing on her self. Whoa. Wait, did I seriously miss his one on one time with Jessie? Hang on...*rewinding*...Nope, they do not show him talking to Jessie. Maybe he didn't see her there in the sea of blondes. Okay, well Jessie's definitely going home, they're not even showing her, send that poor girl home already! So Jake gives the rose to...Tenley. He thanks her for being patient as he ignored her in the beginning. Wait wait wait wait! If you'll remember: Tenley got the first impression rose on the FIRST NIGHT. How the heck is that ignoring her? Also, if I was Jessie I would stand up and be like, "Hello! I'm the one you're ignoring! See! You're doing it right now!" Holy crap this group's folder should be titled "Box of Hammers, Dumb As A".

Anyway, they're back on the road, off to the 2 on 1 date and the rose ceremony. Ella and Kathryn are crapping themselves. Kathryn more than Ella since she's barely talked to Jake this whole time. (And yes ABC, I heard that more upbeat guitar version of "On the Wings of Love" and it is not appreciated.) They end up in Big Sur and Jake looks like the Bounty man. Ella and Kathryn head off to their date.

This whole thing is awkward. Ella asks him what he looks for, he answers, asks her the same question, she starts talking about her son and Kathryn unsuccessfully tries to interrupt. *cringe* So Jake takes Ella off for some one on one time and Kathryn is "frustrated". Jake tells Ella that he doesn't want to keep her here if he's not feeling it. Well, that's encouraging. He then takes Kathryn away and tells her he keeps getting "lost in her eyes". That must be why he hasn't said more than two words to her. She of course confronts him about his ignoring her, he apologizes, she says he has a wall up and he blames it on her being sooooo beautiful. Whatever. They share a hug and the sparks are flying! Not. (Oh yeah, I went there Wayne's World fans. In your face, 1990's!)

Back at camp, the girls are talking about how both Kathryn and Ella are like sooooo amazing and Ali says she doesn't want either one to go home. Okay, that's it. Listen here ladies, have you even watched the show before?! The whole point is that everyone goes home but one person. You should be wanting both of them to go home, you moron. This is The Bachelor for crying out loud, not Friends! Tenley gets all whiny because she didn't say good-bye to either one of the girls. Whatever.

Jake leaves Ella and Kathryn in the cabin and goes out on the balcony to think about what he's done...wait, that's not right. Who he'll give the rose to I mean.

So back in he goes to give the bad news. First, he asks to talk to Ella outside. This is not good folks. Long story short: he sends her home. I'll spare you his flowery break up speech. At least she gets a limo, most of the rejects just get a van to the airport. He then goes back into the cabin and Kathryn's all happy she's getting the rose and then oh snap! Jake thanks Kathryn for bitching at him about stuff but she needs to hit the road too. She asks a simple "Are you sure about that? I don't understand!" Are you serious? Dude, you've talked to him maybe once. If I were you, I'd be ready to get the heck up outta there! Sheesh. Plus, Kathryn doesn't even get a limo out, she gets an SUV. You've been served, reject! I'd be more upset by that than Jake telling me to get out.

You know, there's been this whole trend this season of girls failing miserably to get Jake's heart and then being utterly dumbfounded when he lets them go. (Michelle, Elizabeth and now Kathryn) I'm confused myself, how do you not know he's not feeling it? Jake is not one that can hides his feelings at all, this is what makes him a complete snore of a Bachelor. (Pay attention ABC!)

Anyway, the roadies come and take away Ella and Kathryn's stuff and the other girls start crying. What the what is that about? Good night Nelly you've got to be kidding me with this mess. Both Ella and Kathryn think Jake is making a huge mistake and I'm thinking ABC made the mistake by choosing Jake as the Bachelor. B-O-R-I-N-G They then show Jake dramatically throwing the rose on the fire. Wait, there's a second rose in there. Where did that come from? Jake must have messed up the drama on the first throw. God help us.

Thanks for ruining this dramatic moment Jake! Then we get this shot:

So the girls are talking about who will go home and of course they all want Vienna out. Ali even says that if Vienna doesn't go home, Jake will get a "talking to". This girl is working my last nerve here. So at the cocktail party, Corrie gets one on one time and there's like zero chemistry. So it's on to Ali and she gushes about how honorable he was for getting rid of Ella and Kathryn. He kisses her and I'm pretty sure she's staying around another week. Crap.

Jessie decides that she's got to have alone time with Jake tonight. Wow, ya think?! Then she says that she's going to tell Jake how much Vienna needs to go home. WHAT?! That's how you're going to spend the ONE time you ever get to talk to him? Oh yes, that will TOTALLY make him keep you around. Idiot.

Jake takes Vienna off and all she talks about is how the girls are so uptight and whatever, I'm bored with this. Jake laughs uncomfortably like always and thank GOD Chris is finally here banging on a glass and we can get this rose ceremony under way. Hallelujah!

Jake keeps talking about how he doesn't want to lead anyone on, Ali keeps threatening she'll go off if Vienna gets a rose and I really wish I had a Twix bar. Those are so good, aren't they? Yum.

Wait, what? Oh right. Rose ceremony! Jake comes out and say that he's not ready to give out roses. He gives a big flowery speech: so hard, don't want to hurt anyone, almost impossible, yadayadayada, life on hold line again, whatever just pick one!

Roses go to: Tenley, Gia (who both already had one), Ali (BOO!), Corrie (say what?) and then...nothing. He stops, leaves the room and proceeds to pee himself and tell Chris that he doesn't want to give out the last two roses. Actually, he just wants to give out one more rose, not two. And of course the final rose goes to Vienna.

So off you go Ashleigh and Jessie! Was there ever any doubt these two would be going tonight? And boy is Ali p-i-s-s-e-d! She and Tenley decide that they have to tell Jake how awful Vienna is and soon....dun dun DUN!

Will Tenley and Ali keep whining? Will Jake just send everyone home and call Michelle? Can I watch an episode without eye rolling myself into oblivion? Join us next week for another dramatic episode!

So were you watching? What are your thoughts?


Karyn Bernard (French Charming) said...

Once again Maggi your recap is so much more entertaining than the show, so much so that while its still on her in Calif. I'm reading your post!

I can't stand it...Gia was in the vineyard with Jake spinning the bottle and she would bite her lip and give Jake that F-me look...not once but twice....PUHHHHLEEEZ! I puked in my mouth...I'm serious and I HATE it when that happens!

I could go on and on but instead I'm going to read your post again and laugh my a** off AGAIN!


Carmen said...

That poor, poor rose, what a tragic way to go!

Honestly I'm sitting here WISHING I could watch this crappy show and read your recap at the same time :D Have you sent that Chris fella your blog addy? You should oh you SO should!

Twix. Ummmm. How do you eat yours? I nibble all the chocolate off, then the caramel and then scoff the nekked biccy. Yummmmm....

Oh, my comment... I get the feeling you shout at your tv Maggi. Do you shout at your tv? I think you shout at your tv. Come on, you can tell us :)

Becky T. said...

Ok, so what is the deal with Vienna? I totally don't get the fact that these girls are there to win Jake's heart and all they are concerned about is her? Huh? I hope Jake gives Ali and Tenley the boot when they bring up Vienna's name. Grow up!! Fight for YOURSELF not complain about other girls!!

And I have to say that a Twix would of been good right about then. Might have to go to the store today....

You do so good recapping. I feel as if I can skip watching and just read your version. :-)

Jocelyn said...

I agree with Karyn...your recap is so much more entertaining!!!

Well all I can say, if he keeps this up there will be no one left by next week!!!

Have a great one and thanks Maggi...I so enjoyed this one!!!

jacque4u2c said...

ROFL!!!!!!!!!! You recaps are priceless!

sPaRkLiNg sCrApBoOkS said...

Thank God for this post Maggi! I'm having some minor surgery this morning that I am dreading,and at least you lightened my mood! OMG, John and I were watching, and at one point, he put his hood over his face, then laughed at me for watching this! I think it was the hide and seek part with Gia. Would you ever? (Did she have lip injections btw?) She's cute, but her lips? OMG, I didn't even catch the 2 roses on the fire, you are so good! You need to be a producer on the show- they need help. I keep waiting to see something, ANYTHING bad that Vienna does. I've got nothing! And I could use a Twix right about now, yummy!!!!!!!!!! Corrie, 23 is just too young so I bank on her going next week!
thanks for making me smile.....xoxo

Angela said...

yummm... twix.. great now I want one lol just teasing

So I finally (thanks to your blog) I got sucked into watching this .. or at least the last 20 minutes... and man is that guy boring. Bluck! I should have watched from the beginning because I didn't even get to see him with his shirt off. But it was nice to be able to relate to your posts better :D

Lisa Howard said...

All I can say is "thank you". I saw everything but the rose ceremony last night and boy do I have to hand it to you...your recap is hands down better than the real "reality" show! Your commentary is hilarious!!! Thanks for brightening my afternoon. Can't wait to read your opinion on next week's show.

BTW, Ali is driving me bonkers too. And did you get a load of Ashleigh's a$$ hanging out of her skirt during her one on one time at the inn? All while talking about not being desparate? Ummm, that was Ashleigh wasn't it. Heck, they all have it out there for all the world to see from time to time. I may have her mixed up with someone else...

laterg8r said...

he is the most boring bachelor EVER!!!! he looks like he's trying to act like he thinks he should act! sad sad sad

ali is a twit, concentrate on yourself or he'll send you home for being obsessed with vienna instead of him!!!

hilarious that ashleigh seemed more upset that she left before vienna than the fact that she didn't get jake :D

.Ashley.Lynette. said...

Yes, I agree with everyone else and your posts are waaay more entertaining than the show.

Wait so how many girls are left? 5??? How did this happen? I can't believe he's ditching them so fast. And are they ALL blonde? I know Gia's hair is kinda dark, but not really.

Oh well... I have a feeling I'll stop watching once Vienna goes and just read your recaps. It's gonna be soooo boring if/when she gets the boot.

That's Who I Am said...

You are so funny it cracks me! I love the bubble and Jake couldn't take his shirt off because it was too cold! LOL This show is just gotten silly and I don't think he is going to pick any girls this is the worst season I have seen as far someone actually falling in love!

Bitch, Bitch, Bitch (Amanda Mac) said...

i think this season has been dumbed down for jake. I am 99% sure Tennley has been his number 1 choice form day one and will remain there until the end. I like Gia, she may not be the brightest of the bunch, but she stays out of the drama.

Ali is SO annoying I can't handle her. I always thought Vienna looked like a tranny and have been confused as to how she has lasted so long.

Oh and Corrie looks like Dorey from finding nemo

illyse said...

OMG this is sooo funny!!! I love your post. I just came across your blog from Julie Tucker-Wolek''s blog and am loving it!!!
I am a huge bachelor fan, have seen every single season. Was even watching the bachelorette
(Meredith) when i went into labor with my first child.
Keep up the great bachelor commentary.. I'll be back

Bethany said...

I have never watched the bachelor but if it's as entertaining as you make it sound I think it's my new favorite show.

This is seriously the best thing I've read in awhile. I'll be back for next week's installment. I hope I get a rose...oh wait that's not how that works is it?

Mo said... crack me up! they need to put your blog up on the credits to go to for a recap of missed episodes!

Kristen said...

I have never watched (or really had the desire to watch) the Bachelor, but I look forward to these weekly recaps. Thank you for the hilarity. :)

PetSugar said...

you gottt the ms.brightside award from me!!