Well here we are: The Bachelor finale!!! Now the After the Final Rose special is showing right after the finale but I'm just going to talk about this episode in this post and will tackle the ATFR special later.
So now just who will Jakey-poo pick? You know, just watching the intro I can tell that Jake took Bachelor 101 before starting his run on the show. He knows exactly what to say including frequent use of the the key word "journey", he's mastered tortured looks off into the distance and sincerely saying he wants his parents' opinion when we all know he's going to totally ignore whatever they say and follow his heart...and by heart, I mean the one downstairs if you catch my drift.
He starts out trying to get his parents excited about meeting Vienna by telling them how much all the other girls hated her. Smooth move X-Lax. But before that blows up in his face, Tenley is first up to meet the folks. She tells us that she's going to be herself and that's all she can be. Which is great for her if they're looking for a Disney princess as a daughter-in-law.
Hey, you remember Jillian's problem with Jake? She accused him of being too perfect which made sense and now guess who Jake is accusing of being maybe "too good to be true". Bingo. Poor Tenley.
Anyway, Jake's mom asks Tenley about fighting with her sister because she wants to make sure that her daughters-in-law get along. Um...okay. I guess that's important when it comes to Jake's decision. Tenley answers her question by telling her about her cheating husband. Um...okay. I guess that's important when it comes to Jake's decision.
Listen, I'll spare you. They all get along and little animated birds sit on Tenley's shoulder as she perkily wins over the whole family. They all pee themselves (and cry) over Tenley and tell Jake to pick her. Did you really think anything else would happen? Again, Tenley is perfect for Jake. Which is exactly why he'll never pick her.
Jake's mom tells him that Tenley needs to see his goofy side which apparently entails them jumping into the pool. My, how spontaneous we are! Slow down you crazy nuts!
If you want my opinion, he's trying his darndest to make Tenley as exciting as Vienna and that just ain't going to happen. His whole family says how great and perfect they are as a couple. Tenley's so perfect, Jake's so perfect, they're so perfect together and all I can hear in my head is the crowd chanting, "Kiss of death! Kiss of death! Kiss of death!"
Moving right along, Vienna's turn to meet the newest people to hate her. She makes the best first impression possible by promptly telling his family how much the other girls hated her. Smooth move X-Lax, maybe you and Jake really are meant to be together. One of Jake's sisters-in-law tells us that she doesn't think Vienna was classy in the way she talked about the other girls. The other sister-in-law says how she thinks Vienna is confrontational. Listen, you know how this works: it's totally awkward and the family is not happy.
Jake's mom is more worried about her getting along with the sisters-in-law (What is up with that? Give it a rest already!) Mom's seeing red flags all over the place and basically tells Jake to "make the best decision he can", which in Mom Language means "Do not pick Vienna or I will kill you". Jake's all defensive and stuff. He tells us that it's pretty much a deal breaker if the woman he brings into the family doesn't get along. Whatever, I call B.S. Not falling for it ABC but nice try. And this may be picky of me but it's "daughters-in-law" not "daughter-in-laws". Everyone keeps saying "daughter-in-laws"!
In the end, the family gets all guilty for judging her and starts crying. Oh brother. Vienna wins them over and we're ready to get on to the rose ceremony right? Right?!
Crap, the last dates.
Vienna's up first and Jake tells us that they're going to an active volcano. Lucky for us he's not making an innuendo. Then he goes and says that he and Vienna can't keep their hands off each other. Gross! Fade to black! Fade to black! Think I'm kidding?
They spend some further time alone and Vienna is all scared of losing Jake. No time for that now, it's time to be bored with Tenley's date with Jake. I fast forwarded through most of this part. I can tell you this much: Jake is SO not into her. Throughout this whole season, the one thing Jake sucked at was hiding his true feelings. And now with Tenley, he's feeling squat and boy does it show. Luckily he's a quick enough thinker to tell Tenley he's "tired".
Jake then tells her that the "emotional" chemistry is there but he's worried that there's not enough "physical" chemistry to match it. He adds that by "physical" he does not mean "sexual". Tenley then asks, "Uh...what is physical chemistry if you don't mean sexual?" Exactly, good for you Tenley! I mean really Jake, you are such a dud. Just tell her she doesn't rock your casbah, go get Vienna and let's get on with this already!
But first they make us watch flashbacks and them all looking tortured and pensive. Jake looks at rings. Meh. I keep hoping Reid will show up and reveal his true feelings for Jillian. Wait...I think I just lapsed into The Bachelorette.
Anyhoo, rose ceremony: long story short: Told you so!
Short story long: Chris Harrison escorts the girls on the mile long hike they have to take to get to where Jake is waiting for them. Jake stumbles and stutters as he tells Tenley that he loves her and she's perfect but "something doesn't feel right" and he doesn't know why and then they both cry all over each other. Poor Tenley. She deserves Prince Eric not this stooge of a dork.
So yeah, he picks Vienna. There you have it! What are your thoughts on Jake's choice?
I'll be back at some point this week with my ATFR special recap, see you then!
EDIT: I'm back!
So yeah, I don't need a whole post for the ATFR special. Tenley cried, Jake and Vienna are happy, they made me watch them dance while Jeffrey Osborne came on the show to sing "On the Wings of Love" and they announced Ali as the next Bachelorette. Shoot me. How in the world they think Ali will be entertaining to watch as The Bachelorette is beyond me. I didn't think they could pick anyone more boring than Jake. SPEAKING OF WHICH, what the heck is up with putting him on Dancing with the Stars?! Tenley is an actual dancer, why not put her on? Bah!
Edit: Back again! Had to come and show you this spoof that was on Jimmy Kimmel last night, enjoy!
Sorry, me again! I had to include Kimmel's interview with Ali. Kudos to him for calling her on her B.S.
I still hate her. I also hate how she left "for work" and now she's trying to backtrack saying that she left because she was "scared". Whatever, that still won't make me like you as the Bachelorette you Mean Girl. Also, if she says one more time how if Jake really loved her he would have come after her and the show wouldn't have mattered, I'm going to kick her. The show is about you sticking around until he kicks you off not you leaving and expecting him to chase you when he's got a whole group of girls making out with him every time he turns around you idiot.
Okay, I think I'm officially done with this recap. Maybe...