The Bachelor: On the Wings of The Dread Pirate Jake

Here come the overnight dates! Remember when the magic booty card from Chris telling the couple they could get it on in the Fantasy Suite was a surprise? Yeah, not so much anymore. Well no matter, after tonight we will be down to the final two girls and then next week is the Women Tell All reunion special.

But that's not tonight so let's see what happens. Last week we got a preview of Ali calling Jake in St. Lucia to supposedly come crawling back but I'm thinking it will come to nothing. I've been burned by ABC's promos before (remember the one of Jake kicking a chair over? That's never even been shown so thanks a lot ABC.)

Anyhoo, let's get started.

First we get a retrospecticus on the remaining three women and we get to relive all of the moments that were boring the first time around so you can imagine...I'll spare you and yes, you're welcome. I'm sure they're going to replay part of Tenley's dance from last week and no way am I watching that again so I'll be right back, I'm going to get a drink...

Okay, I'm back. Now he's talking about Ali so I'm guessing we're getting the phone call out of the way early. Let's see...she's in a hotel bed...robe on...(Wait, who sleeps in a robe?)...telling us she's heart broken and misses Jake...sitting up in bed and then...wait, what? No way. I am NOT seeing what I think I'm seeing...
For the love of Pete ABC, 8x10 glossies of Jake on the nightstand...really? All right dearest readers, on the count of three we're all going to do the exaggerated eye roll...ready? 1...2...3!

Oh BRO-ther. *shudder* So gross on so many levels...

She gives us some bull about how the only reason she picked work was that she was scared and now that she's back home she can't sleep and her work is suffering (well they must be thrilled to have you back then, eh?) Oh wait they went to commercial and came back with Gia so I guess our Staged Phone Call of Doom will have to wait.

So Jake and Gia meet up and Jake asks her if she likes boats...uh Jake, she took you on a boat during her home town date. That was just last week remember? You took pictures of each other in front of the Statue of Liberty? No? Nothing? Bonehead. They drink out of coconuts like they do on Survivor and go buy cheap tourist crap. (Not that I'm putting cheap tourist crap down, it's my favorite) and they dance with street performers. Jake buys her a necklace which is sure to keep her warm when he kicks her off the island at the end of the show (my guess).

Jake tells us he's ready to take a leap of faith right before they both jump off a pier into the ocean. *barf* We're forced to watch them make out in the water for a couple of minutes. They finally dry off and have a night time picnic. Gia keeps saying how she's falling for Jake and she's so scared. Jake tells us how he wants to take care of Gia tonight. I so hope he means the romantic way and not the mobster way. Lots of blahblahblah whatever, I just want to know where Gia bought that sparkly head band. *drool* I wonder if she'll be so distraught when Jake dumps her that she'll never want to wear it again and will send it to me?
They talk about opening up without even a hint of irony and yadayadayada. This is boring. Get to the fantasy suite already! They get into a big hammock that looks to be hanging from a cliff or something and the card from Chris shows up. Gia jumps right on it and off they go to the Fantasy Suite.

Gia wants to tell Jake that she's falling in love with him but she's finds it too hard to say. And mark my words, that's going to be what gets her kicked out in the end. There's always one person that won't tell them how they feel and it's always what gets them gone. Bah, oh well. They get into a tub (not heart shaped, go figure) and I'm praying for a commercial break...

Tenley's up next and it's like watching Ariel and Prince Eric with these two. Ugh. He takes her flying in a helicopter and they land on a sugar plantation...figures. Now they're talking and...Holy crap this is like watching paint dry....Where's Vienna?

So they go to dinner and Tenley's all worried about the Fantasy Suite since she's only ever been with her ex-husband. And then they start dancing. Shoot me. Jake starts talking about how much he loves spending time with her and you know he's building up the courage to give her the Fantasy Suite card. "Come on baby, we can just talk!" So Tenley reads the card and says, "Let's get it on!" Okay, well maybe she didn't phrase it quite like that but she immediately said yes so whatever. Tenley keeps going on and on about how she doesn't spend the night with guys and this is a big deal and yeah we get it, you're not a whore. Can we please move on now????

So here's Vienna and they get on a pirate ship complete with Jake wearing a pirate eye patch and then those S.O.B.s at ABC start playing...you guessed it...

Then they shoot cannons (literally not figuratively) and climb the mast or whatever. Then Jake smacks her in the butt with a sword and makes her walk the plank. I swear I am not making this up! There are so many innuendos being tossed around here I think my head might explode. Then they show them frolicking on the beach. Ewwwwwww. Yes, commercial break! God loves me!

Side note: It has just occurred to me that Jake is different with each of the remaining women. With Gia he's all protective. With Tenley he treats her like they are in the same place in life and with Vienna he acts like one of those kids from "American Pie".

Back to the show, Vienna and Jake are talking about marriage or something while they eat dinner in a gazebo. Jake then asks Vienna what kind of rings she likes. Huh? Did he ask any of the other girls this? She tells him that she likes "bling around the ring" (well, can't blame her there) and then asks him if he can see her as his wife to which he answers yes. Whatever, I am just not seeing this at all. This is the weirdest couple ever. But then he ruins the moment by telling her that he loves the other two girls. Wow, maybe he really was dateless in school because he is a total idiot.

Anyway, back at Jake's room he's primping and what not when dun dun DUN the phone rings! It's Ali saying she made a mistake and wants to come back. I'll spare you the whole long thing, Jake basically tells her thanks but no thanks. Maybe her and Reid from Jillian's season should date each other. Oh and then Ali says that she'll never find anyone like Jake ever. Hmmm...looks like someone's gunning for the next Bachelorette!

Moving on, let's get to the rose ceremony! No wait, first: video messages are back! Yes! The part of the show where we watch the Bachelor awkwardly watch videos of the girls saying cheesy things.

But at the rose ceremony...holy crow, Gia's dress is sparkly! I'm really started to think we're meant to be friends. I wonder if she's looking for a short, stout, less attractive friend? Where was I? Oh right. Rose ceremony...Jake is scared of sending the wrong woman home. Whatever, break Gia's heart and let's get it over with already!

Long story short: Bye bye Gia! Just another kick in the pants to add to your long list of heartbreaks. I'll take that headband now, thanks! Oh don't cry for Gia folks! Her exit really was heartbreaking, she totally lets him off the hook and acts the quite the lady (with the exception of accidentally flashing her underwear. Don't worry, I didn't take a picture of that).

So what are your thoughts on this episode? Next week we get to see The Women Tell All and Rozlyn is back. Inappropriate relationships for the win!